Rebranding Literature is a simple plan to make literature more relevant in the marketplace of ideas by maximizing revenue potential.
What is the “Lord’s Prayer?” Is it sacred text? No. It’s sacred performance. It’s sacred monologue, with, of course, the implication of dialogue very prominent. It is among the greatest examples of private utterance, while at the same time being a truly, literally, ecumenically shared utterance. As we did when we improved the Song of Solomon, we have stared deep into the souls of mercantilism and spiritualism in order to make this holy supplication ring true in modern times. When we studied the subtext of this non-text we discovered that it was ripe, and ready to be brought into the service of increasing revenues, thereby providing greater eternal and temporal riches for Christians and indeed for all people, and giving to Caesar what is, most assuredly, his (not His).
The Lord’s Prayer
by God, His Son, and The Stoneslide Corrective
Our Father, who art in Heavenly Ski Resort’s cantina,
and, by the miracle of bilocation, at Gramercy Tavern, too,
hallowed be Thy Name. “Name” isn’t my favorite
Goo Goo Dolls song, but it’s not that bad. Thy Kingdom
come, and Thy razed Kingdome, even though I always hated the Sonics
because if you want it, Father, I want it, too. Also my arms
and my legs are too short to get into any kind of an MMA situation
with You. Thy will be done on Earth, as it is in Heavenly,
or any of the nicer resorts, such as those found in
Whistler, Aspen, or Verbier.
Give us this day our daily bread. I love bread. I like
sourdough, focaccia, or a good thick slice of sandwich
bread. I like pumpernickel so dense it’s elemental.
Have you tried Whole G’s pumpernickel?
I often say it’s so good only You could have made it.
And rye. (Bread, not whiskey, although I do
like rye whiskey—just not as much as
bourbon or scotch, especially Baker’s,
and Dalwhinnie, or, at the other end of the spectrum,
Laphroaig; You know, when I was a kid I hated how people
disparaged Seagram’s 7 when it was an excellent example
of rye. Then they screwed it up, sold it, and it’s been sold
and sold and sold again—was even owned by The Coca Cola Company
for a while—but it was good rye.) All bread, really. My wife
says I should watch out for bread but man
I love it, especially when it’s made with flour
from King Arthur or Giusto’s. Father, Thy Son gave us bread. Why
do people complain so much about carbohydrates?
Thy Son (and my Savior—hello!!!???) also mentioned
killing fatted calves. What’s wrong with meat?
Nothing, especially if at at their demise and previous
to it the calves or cattle were treated humanely,
like the cattle who end up at Marin Sun Farms.
Please forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us
because although trespassers will be shot,
and survivors will be shot again (my uncle
had that bumper sticker; cracked me up), we all need forgiveness.
Thou givest us forgiveness, if we accept Thee
in our hearts. I accept Thee in my heart. I accept Thee
everywhere. I want to be able to have a personal conversation
with my Lord and Savior, as if Thou were on the other end
of my LG Spirit 4G, with my no-contract plan
from Metro PCS, wireless for all. Thou shed Thy blood for me,
and I will never forget: it’s I and Thou, God, available from
Powell’s, AbeBooks, and other outlets, together.
I beseech Thee, lead us not into temptation, not at
The Paradise Club, “Wisconsin’s oldest and finest
Gentlemen’s club. ATM on-site,” not at Beansnappers,
not at the Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell Theatre,
neither at the Platinum Club, nor via ErosGuide, nor myRedBook,
nor Fantasy | Allures, not at the Safeway in the Marina district, not at
Foxwoods Casino, not at The Venetian Macau,
and not in the Tahoe Biltmore,
but deliver us from evil tax-raisers and America-haters,
and, more importantly, relativists
who don’t believe in evil,
(I mean, do they have eyes in their heads to see?)
and people who interrupt me
when I’m playing Resident Evil: Revelations,
which I do in Thy name.
For Thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
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