1) I’m very emotionally needy. Like, very, very. And as with so many emotionally needy people, I’m secretly an emotional bully. (I’m not a physical bully, because I’m such a twerp, but wow, emotionally I’m a big strapping he-man/warrior princess bully. Big time.) Share if you’re basically a piece of shit emotional bully who needs constant affirmation and coddling, too!
2) I’m clinging desperately to the image of myself that I had in my twenties. I’m so worried people who see me don’t think I’m sexy anymore that I spend hours every day trying to take selfies where I look young and hot. I’ve found I need just the right light and angle. And if I hold my shoulders back as far as they go and jut my head forward, the skin under my neck doesn’t look wrinkled. I order fancy cocktails just to hold them up to the camera; I can’t really tolerate much alcohol anymore. But I’m worried. I’m living a Dorian Gray thing where my pictures on Facebook are staying young, and I’m afraid to see what’s really happening to my body. Share if you’re a total fake, too!
3) I love the environment. I really, really love the environment. You know this from all the heartbreaking pictures and articles I post about how our wretched species is about to kill its own mother, Mother Earth. It makes me so furious. We have to do something! But I’m paralyzed with fear when I think about walking out my door. I find getting really upset and angry at the polluters and the people who don’t care helps me forget how I nearly wet myself when I imagine setting foot on a Greenpeace cutter. Who else is terrified of doing what they know is right?
4) I only post to Facebook when I’m drunk. I post a lot.
5) I post so many pictures of cute kittens because my ex-girlfriend Amy loves kittens. Every now and then, maybe one time in 20, she’ll like one of the pictures, and I feel like maybe I have a chance of winning her back. It lasts a second, but that’s the best I ever feel.
6) When I was a junior in college I got knocked out of bounds into the water coolers and up over into the stands and somehow I got spooked. After 15 more downs, I never played another snap of Division II football, or any kind of football, again. I think deep inside I’m still trying to deny that that ever happened. Think of that when you see all my posts about little Gunnar and Megan killing it at soccer.
7) People used to tell me I was smart. Teachers praised me and gave me good grades. The people at my first job all acted so impressed when they heard where I went to college. But being smart is hard work, and I’ve gotten too tired to go on doing it. Fortunately, people are always posting clever things here on Facebook, like this placard that says, “OUR DAUGHTERS MAKE THE FUTURE POSSIBLE. SHARE IF YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER YOU LOVE.” This is so much easier than thinking.
8) I’ve given up on getting people to like ME. All I want is for you to like this post. Please. Can’t you even do that for me?
9) I’m sitting here waiting, waiting. I have 463 friends. One of you must be doing something interesting right now. Come on, people! How can 463 of you not have any new anecdotes or pictures or check-ins? I’m waiting. If something doesn’t come up soon, I might have to turn around and look at the disaster of my own life or read the newspaper and have my mind slashed by all the disasters there. I’m still waiting.