A splinter group demanding more rights for animals has broken away from the ASPCA. “We believe animals deserve all the same fundamental rights as humans,” said Wilt Hamilton, leader of the breakaway contingent. “And that includes the right to bear arms.”
About a dozen dissatisfied animal activists formed a new organization called the Association for Real Rights for Friends who Happen to Be Animals (ARRF). According to Hamilton, the dissidents nearly reached agreement with the ASPCA governing board to include some mention of gun rights in the ASPCA charter, but talks finally broke down over the issue of open carry. Hamilton said, “We consider the ability to carry your firearm with you at all times fundamental to the right to bear arms. Without that you don’t really have the full right.”
“We love animals with all our hearts,” said Matthew Bershadker, ASPCA president and CEO. “And we want to see true animal rights, but we have to balance that goal against the potential for more harm to both animals and people if house pets are locked and loaded. I think of my cockatoo, Princess Elizabetta, and I don’t think she could handle the responsibility of, say, a Glock.”
“I don’t see how they call themselves animal advocates,” says Hamilton. “This is a question of rights, not results. We can’t compromise without giving up on the very idea of liberty. Besides, I can tell you from experience that animals love guns. I made a bite pull for my Colt .45 and nothing used to make Fluff, he was a Pekingese, happier than squeezing off a few rounds. He used to jump up and paw my knee to ask me to take him shooting.” Hamilton became emotional and wiped away a few tears. “I lost him when the recoil flipped the piece around, and I wasn’t able to stop him from getting off another shot. But I’ll never stop fighting for his rights.”
Just in time for the holidays, ARRF is teaming with GunTV to offer a slate of animal-friendly firearms products. Their first offering is a collar-mounted, bark-activated .22 caliber revolver. The electronic trigger system can be programmed to recognize an individual dog’s bark, avoiding potential mishaps at the dog park or when walking past other excitable canines. Future offerings will include a home defense turret, suitable for cats, monkeys, and coatimundi; beef-scented ammunition; and tactical helmets and bodysuits for all breeds of dog.
Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has already spoken in support of ARRF and signed on to the organization’s petition to ban the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms from performing background checks on gun-loving animals. Rumors have it that Cruz will soon bring his poodle, Miffy, out on the campaign trail with one of ARRF’s new products.