At Stoneslide GiftWorks, we know that many of you, despite the regular warnings provided by kindly and helpful marketers, have not yet completed your Christmas shopping. You have doomed yourself to spending the last few days before the holiday in a sweaty panic about having to writhe through overpacked shopping mall aisles, like a sardine in some strange orgiastic spawning ritual. Despite the fact that you have brought this suffering on yourself, we wish to help you. Here are some gifts for that very, very, very hard-to-shop-for person on your list.
DustHunter Cleaning Set. The latest surveys show that men still do less than their fair share of housework. With this set of easy-to-install attachments, you can make any cleaning apparatus feel like a weapon. Men love them, and immediately start scrubbing and scouring with minimal supervision. Kit includes mop spear point, feather duster pistol attachment, and toilet scrub saber handle.
Self-Help for the Flummoxed Youngster book series. Ages 6 and up. All-Emoji version available for literacy-challenged kiddos.
–What to Do When Bill Collectors Stop Believing Your Parents Aren’t Home
–Being the Perfect Decoy While Mommy Shoplifts
–So Jimmy Said Section 8’s for Losers—Tell Him He’s a Loser
–What to Say When Mommy Asks if Other Women Come Over
–Happily Ever After on $0.15 a Day
–“Don’t Worry, Mommy. I Already Knew Daddy Didn’t Love Me.”
–Take the Spotlight During Custody Hearings
–No Matter What They Say, the Breakup Was Your Fault
–Someday You’ll Look Back and Be Thankful for Oxycontin
Home Anti-Terrorism Kit. The danger of terrorism comes from the places you least expect it. Keep your family safe by monitoring your children for signs of radicalization. Designed by former Guantanamo interrogators, this easy-to-use iOS and Android app prompts you to ask your 4- to 8-year-old children questions that will uncover any hidden sympathies for violent jihad or links to ISIS or al Qaeda. If radicalization is detected, the app automatically calls in the FBI, so you can rest easy knowing you’re safeguarding your home and family.
Attach: Velcro Fashions for Codependents. Are you tired of keeping your devotion to that special someone hidden in your heart? With matching velcro outfits, everyone will see how the two of you are “stuck” to each other. As an added benefit, the tearing sound of separating velcro will warn you if you start to part from your beloved, even ever so slightly. Available in all sizes from infant to XXXXL.
Snoob Electronic Book Reader. The only book reader with a screen on both sides. The outside screen displays book covers that will impress whoever is around you. Select what you want people to think you’re reading from a series of pre-programmed options, including hipster, classics intellectual, global business titan, and conformist (the program surveys your social media friends and displays the covers of books they like). The interior screen plays soothing animations so you don’t have to strain your eyes or mind with reading.
Most Scenic Locations to End Your Existence wall calendar. Give the person who’s always thinking about suicide a gift they can really use. With gorgeous four-color photography, this premium calendar highlights the best places to fling yourself from a lethal height or throw yourself in front of a bus.
Introvert’s Paradise: Deterrent Pheromones. Pheromones have been widely used to attract romantic interest, but it’s little known that these powerful natural scents can also be used to repel unwanted society. Dab a little of this special mixture on each day and people you encounter will subconsciously know not to touch you, stand too close, or even make eye contact. Step into a world without meaningful social contact, step into Introvert’s Paradise.
PAST GIFT ASSISTS
Little Elf Utility Blade
A Present for the Parents of Young Children
For the Couple that Can’t Agree on the Holidays
Silent Night and Day
Rudolph the Red-Cheeked Sobriety Buddy