With the big game just weeks away, Mayor Ed Lee is pushing a plan that he says will eliminate San Francisco’s homeless problem. Lee wants to institute an assisted homicide program, whereby regular people can be trained by a firearms expert, and then shoot and kill up to five homeless residents per session.
“Even in a progressive city such as ours, we have to acknowledge that the homeless are a blight for tech workers and tourists who just want to enjoy our beautiful city, in large part because there are so many. This program, therefore, would achieve several goals at once—first, eradication of the homeless, and then, stress reduction, beautification, and increased tourism revenues,” Lee says. “With all the brain wattage we have in this town, the program could be up and running in a couple days.”
Biedrens Galoop, the city’s associate assistance enhancer for the deputy director of Public Safety, says San Franciscans would be trained to use a no–choke 12 gauge shotgun. Once trained, they would be accompanied by the trainer while blowing away homeless people passed out or in other ways incapacitated enough as to be stationary targets. The residents would be able to repeat the outings as often as they’d like, at a cost of $75 per outing, including ammunition. Certified shooters can bring up to four assistants to serve as whippers and retrievers. “The homeless people who don’t get targeted will have pretty serious motivation to vamoose, and that’ll be fine, too. We just want ’em gone before Super Bowl week,” Galoop says.
Lee’s administration wants to do away with the homeless because even though the game itself will be played 50 miles south of town, many festivities leading up to it will be hosted in the city. “We want tourists to see how vibrant our city is, not Vinnie from the Tenderloin taking a dump in Union Square,” says Galoop. Public defecation and public urination are legal in San Francisco. Lee is said to have reached out to other mayors for advice, and the program received high praise from Chicago’s Rahm Emanuel.
A number of interest groups in the city initially opposed the plan but have since come around. The Committee for a Clean Environment bought in once Lee announced that carbon emissions from firearm discharge would be offset by planting new trees. The San Francisco Livable City Initiative accepted the mayor’s assurance that no shoots would be allowed after 9:00 pm. Liberal economists at the Rubb-Gell Institute were convinced once they ran a model showing that the reduction of the number of homeless people, who have zero income and zero wealth, would decrease economic inequality in the city. Uber CEO Travis Kalanik has become so convinced of the benefits this new program will provide for the city that he has offered his company’s services pro bono to anyone actively engaged in searching for targets.
The NFL has also voiced strong support. “I’m always pleased when any municipality panders and grovels to get a share of the great NFL cash machine,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “But I’m especially gratified that San Francisco is reaching out and showing its acceptance of rural values around guns. Maybe for this short period, we can all be one nation, under God, in front of the TV.”
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