ME: It’s so sad to see him there in the coffin.
WIFE: Yes, but your dad had a long life. He had as good a life as anyone could wish for.
ME: That’s what I mean. He did. And he was still a miserable bastard.
FRIEND: It’s nice to see so many people here at his service.
ME: Yeah, especially since no one ever came to his parties.
PASTOR: And how did you know William?
ME: We were friends from back in high school.
PASTOR: I’m sorry. But it must be a comfort that he’s in Heaven now.
ME: I guess no one told you about his hookers.
ME: I’m so sorry.
WIDOW: Thank you.
ME: God, I’m going to miss him. He was a good friend.
WIDOW: I always wondered what you and Reg talked about all those days out on the boat.
ME: How disappointed we were with our families.
COWORKER: Can you believe it, a heart attack at his desk?
COWORKER: I guess he was a tyrant. But no one deserves this.
ME: He deserved worse.
SISTER: Poor Mom. At least she had plenty of morphine.
BROTHER: Except, wow—all the crazy untrue stuff she said.
ME: Sure, tell yourself what she said she really thought of us wasn’t what she really thought of us.
WIFE: Look at her children. They all look so sad.
ME: I’ll give you 4-to-1 odds they’re fighting over her money before the service starts.
WIFE: It was a beautiful service.
ME: It was. Not a word of it was true.
BROTHER: Pops looks good.
SISTER: Yeah, like he lost weight.
ME: Amazing what not needing Depends can do.
WIFE: It was so hard to see her waste like that, with so much pain.
MINISTER: Praise the Lord, her pain has ended.
ME: Yes. She won’t have to tithe anymore.
KID: I want to go.
WIFE: We need to stay a little longer. Go pay your condolences to Sarah.
KID: She looks so sad. I don’t know.
WIFE: She just lost her father. But she’ll appreciate seeing you.
ME: Yeah, it could be me next. You’d want her to come to my funeral, wouldn’t you?