Dear Writer,

Your work is not for us. Because it sucks.

Cheers,

The Editors

 

Dear Writer,

Apparently it wasn’t enough to waste your own time.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Your cover letter said your mother loves your writing, but we called her and she said she’s been lying to you.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

The next time you’re filled with self-doubt, believe it.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Ease up on the anti-depressants.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Please tell us you were kidding.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

I gave your story to my bulimic cousin. He says thanks.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

We wish to say nample amgten fffgh, and to let you know that your huuto miggle brock!

Was that confusing, bewildering, even frustrating? Now you know how we felt when we read your submission.

Regards,

The Editors

 

Dear Writer,

Eighteen years of sobriety, and then I read your manuscript.

Cheers,

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Allow me to explain this through an analogy: It’s okay to touch yourself if that feels good, but you don’t have to show it to other people.

Regards,

The Editors

Dear Sir or Madame, Miss, or Ms.,

Long has it been said that one can, with pride, fall short so long as one has done one’s best. To aspire to greatness is a noble act in itself, even if the result is failure or, in this case, rejection.

We are connoisseurs of just your type of laudable ambitions, commendable effort, and disappointing conclusion.

We remain, as always, yours & etc.,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

I regret that we cannot publish your novel. You were so close. We liked it so much at first.

Your novel appeared to be something of a very high order. It was crystalline, jewel-like, while being as strong as metal mined from Earth's deepest depths. But somehow you screwed up this thing that read, initially, like a perfection. Way to go.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

Remember that episode of Workaholics where Ders lost the … no, it was Blake. Well anyway, your novel made us think about what it

The Editors

Dear Writer,    

If we had the budget, we would hire one of the crews that cleans up toxic Superfund sites to visit your office and expunge all evidence of your attempts at writing. Perhaps we will apply for a federal grant. We’ll let you know.

Regards,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We regret to be forced by time pressure to send you this form rejection letter. Your work deserves to be criticized in great depth and specificity—and then possibly publicly and ritually destroyed.

Regards,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

Your story has altered our understanding of human potentiality. We didn’t know it was possible for anything created by mortal hand and mind to be so perfectly awful. We now look out at the world with renewed eyes, expecting new horrors and unprecedented deprivations. Thank you for that.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Each day is a new beginning. Each day, you and the universe combine without joining because you are already one. And each day in this universe, work, including the work you submitted, is made. Don’t hold yourself responsible for this rejection; this is the universe being.

You are loved. You are affirmed. Your work is one with you, even if it’s not one with us.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

It’s true that figuring out you’re not good at something can take time. Consider your education accelerated.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Some days you’re the bright-eyed, vibrant calf. Some days you’re the sweetbreads.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

We know the feeling of hope with which any writer opens a message from a publisher, expecting a new breakthrough, a new recognition. That is a good feeling, and you deserve to feel good. Savor it. Maybe jot down a few sentences describing your dizzy near-elation at this moment. It's about to end.

Your piece is not for us.

Regards,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

Your computer has a delete function.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

We like a good laugh as much as the next person, but it’s better when your intent was to be comical.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

The good news for you is that studies have shown no correlation between writing ability and moral worth.

Yours in Virtue,

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Do you often think people are idiots for not appreciating your writing? What you call being an idiot, we call exhibiting good taste.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Dear Writer,

I regret to say that we cannot use the piece you have submitted. There are many potential reasons for this: we are looking for very particular subject matter; we are overstocked right now; we were drunk when we read it. This is not a judgment of you. It does not mean you are a bad writer.

Of course, you probably are a bad writer. You’re probably so bad you can’t finish this sentence: “My mama wears _____.” The vast majority of people who think of themselves as writers are actually bad writers. They just don’t know it. Nonetheless, this one rejection doesn’t necessarily mean that you are bad. But you probably are.

And the odds are that you are immoral and lazy as well. We don’t mean to be harsh. We’re just talking about the percentages here.

Best,

The Editors

Dear Writer,

The void awaits us all, but your prose was a gaping hole of premature death. From your submission darkness seeped, the groaning collapse of the inept, in throes. It shocked us into brain-dead spasms, and we only recovered when a cat happened to jump on the keyboard and hit delete.

We kindly ask that you not submit again.

But one thing remains to be known: what rough beast slouches at your keyboard?

Don’t answer.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Clearly you’ve worked hard on the craft. Your novel works on many levels, but we think it could be better still.

Could you please set the novel in the American West about 300-400 years prior to the arrival of Gaspar de Portola, et al.? We suggest that you read all of the scholarship available on the ecology of the region, the culture of pre-Columbian America, and the evolving weather patterns in the region, and then rewrite your work to make use of all this new information. Then send us the manuscript and we will give it a glance to see if it meets our needs at that time.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Well, damn it all to hell. Your submission is awful. You shouldn't be surprised. So much writing is crap these days because it’s too easy for people. Tap, tap, tap, hit submit, and you think you've accomplished something... Let me tell you something, when we were kids, we had to write by hand, with pens. And then we had to go to the Post Office and mail real paper. Uphill. Both ways. Damn you. Damn you all! Damn you all to hell!

The Editors

Dear Writer,

What a bunch of bunk! Complete rubbish! You flabbergast us not with your misguided ideas, but with your insistence on sharing them.When I was young, we were taught that children don’t have anything worth saying. Damn right. We learned to hold onto our ideas and let them ripen until, probably, late middle age, when it might--I say might--be worth cracking the peel to see if you have something worthwhile. You need at least another decade of development! Then maybe you’ll have something worth saying. Maybe.

Go get older. At least you can’t screw that up.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

We are pleased to share the good news that your submission was selected for inclusion in slushpile review. You’re on the right track. You’re on the right track to rejection because we have read your submission, and it’s horrible.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

We are pleased to be able to tell you that your submission has been accepted into our Comprehensive Rejection Initiative. You can be assured that none of your work will ever be published here. 

Best,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We are going to publish an excerpt from the piece you submitted. It’ll go into tomorrow afternoon’s inter-office memo.

Thanks,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We are pleased to inform you that we are going to publish your submission in a multi-media format. A remarkably awful paragraph is going to be read aloud during next Tuesday’s conference call. Then we will tear up both copies we printed and feed them into the shredders while everyone listens.

Thanks,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We can see all the work, care, and even love that you've put into this piece, which makes it harder to tell you that we won't be accepting it. This is hard for us, because we just can't stop laughing... All that work, all the devotions of your soul and your heart, and you produce this? That's hilarious. We can barely type because we're laughing so hard.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

And for your next trick, you’ll … what? Make a human turd turn into an ursine one? No? Create a maggot-vomiting cat? Do tell. We expect wonders.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

If demons gather around you, and death seems imminent, give thanks. Stand tall, scribbler, and meet the Angel of Death as you could never meet the Angel of Life: with ability, strength, and a decent metaphor.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

This is so hard. We know how hard it is. You work so hard on something, you pour your heart into it, you bravely send it off, and then you get this rejection note back. We know what it’s like. Think of us as your brothers in rejection.

You need to remember to love yourself. All of your joy can be built on that foundation. So what if other people are right now getting acceptance notes? Forget the kid just out of school who got a seven figure advance for his thinly disguised memoir. Forget all the people who are right now at parties, making love, celebrating one of their trite successes, depositing large checks in their bank accounts. Love yourself.

Feel your love. It doesn’t matter if you never publish a word, because you have that self-love.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

One hundred percent of the time, your submission fails every time.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Great Socrates’ hemlock! No!

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Scholars maintain that writing is a worthwhile pursuit. You, clearly, differ.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Great Virgil’s chastity! No!

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Unfortunately for you, not only does your writing blow, it's also the case that it’s not your dog that’s a miniature Buddha covered in hair. It’s you. BTW, stop sending selfies.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Is that all you got?

The Editors

Dear Writer,

The market just isn’t there for this right now. Just yesterday your genre was hot, but we read this morning in our favorite industry blog that it is now out. Do not despair, though; these things go in cycles, and what was once out of fashion comes back again. In our experience the cycle usually lasts approximately 25 years.

Very kindest regards,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

Has no one told you that giving up on your dream can be a gift to others?

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Has no one told you that hope can be misplaced?

The Editors

Dear Writer,

We'd bet you have a "great personality."

The Editors

Dear Writer

You know when your dog takes a dump on a walk and you have to clean it up, and just as you bend over, the fetid smell hits you, it’s thick as porridge, and you gag, and you think, Can I take any more of this without suffering overwhelming bodily illness? That's what your first sentence was like. Your second sentence was like feeling the malleable turd through a plastic bag.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

You know how your friend has to go out of town suddenly and you say you’ll stop by and clean the litter box and set out water and food? But that litter box is really painful. You want to run away as soon as you open the door and smell that reek. However, you obligated yourself.

Your submission was like that litter box with its fuming turds. Thanks for your crap submission.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

You obviously lack talent. But then we thought, no, it’s dedication that this writer lacks. Now we ask, could it be both?

Yours very truly,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We try to provide feedback to all writers who submit work to us. In your case, we couldn't tell if your story was meant to be ironic or sentimental, so we don't know whether to say you apparently have no grasp of humor or no understanding of human emotion. Or could it be both?

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Letters join to make words. Words congregate to form sentences. And sentences link up to create paragraphs. Sadly, in your case, paragraphs then multiply with no apparent purpose, colonizing page after page and threatening the mental well-being of anyone who should read them.

Regards,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We saw this episode of My Drunk Kitchen that made us think your novel could.... Hold on.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

The fog of confusion rising from your manuscript was the writing equivalent of an anhydrous ammonia spill, spreading throughout the office cutting down all in its path, until only one person remained conscious to hit delete, and then get the drives electronically scrubbed.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Perhaps you were feeling indisposed when you sat down to write this novel... every morning over the course of seven years.

Best Wishes,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

So many traits of the writer himself or herself can serve to distinguish the prose within one submission from that of the all the others. One such distinction is the difference between knowing how to write and knowing how to type. You’ve mastered the second; now work on the first.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

It’s not enough to steal the ideas of other writers, you also have to make it interesting.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We notice that you have loosely copied all of your best moments from the work of John Updike, a writer we greatly admire. We are surprised, then, that your story is so painfully dull.

Yours Truly,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

Please take comfort in the fact that, while you can’t produce a good story, good writers can’t do what you do, either.

Best Wishes,
The Editors

Dear Writer,

We would be delighted to publish your work, but we can not in good conscience let you do this to yourself. Sure, we pay exorbitant rates, and writers who appear in our pages go on to fame, movie deals, etc., but after reading your work we are convinced you are too good for us. Your work is meant for eternity, not the pages of the leading literary journal of just one era.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Flying dragons AND labrador retriever puppies? We want what you’re smoking.

The Editors

Dear Writer,

Not today. Not ever.

The Editors

Dear Writer,
 
We very much regret having to tell you that we will not be publishing this novel you submitted. We liked this one immensely. You do amazing work. We hope you’ll submit another manuscript.

So, you might fairly ask, why are we rejecting this novel? It’s difficult to explain the tiny errors of judgment and execution that can undermine a work of art. Each separate time that we almost accepted your novel we considered pinpointing its faults so that we could help you eliminate them. Perhaps it is something that cannot be explained in words. Go read and re-read your work and let all of those mistakes, both large and small, lethal and minor, really sink in.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Dear Sir or Madame, Ms., or Miss,

Life is a peculiar thing. Victory goes not always to the swiftest, as we are taught when very young. But there is always a good bit of wisdom to be found. We regret that we will not be able to publish the piece you submitted at this time.

We remain, as always, yours & etc.,
The Editors