Everything you need to know mushed into one paragraph.
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Everything you need to know mushed into one paragraph.
Send us your tips and suggestions for this column.
Criminal defense attorneys around the country are developing a new legal strategy that they call the “Trump did it” defense. These attorneys, who are waiting until the Inauguration to officially unveil their plan, say it will aid clients facing a wide range of charges, including sexual assault, perjury, embezzlement, securities fraud, espionage, and solicitation. “We are a nation of laws,” says Marty Klein, a public defender in Brooklyn. “That means that the same rules have to apply to the person at the top as apply to those at the bottom. If Trump isn’t held accountable for a behavior, that’s a signal that, hey, our society has judged that thing to be okay. Our clients should be held to the same low standard we hold our president to.” In other news, Twitter will change its terms of service to encourage personal abuse and ban excessive displays of tolerance.
Facebook announced a plan to deal with the “fake news” controversy. The company has been accused of not doing enough to stem the flow of false news stories in users’ feeds, and some critics have argued that the spread of unfounded rumors and conspiracy theories may have contributed to Donald Trump’s electoral victory. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a decisive and in his words “absolutely guaranteed” solution. The social network will henceforth block any accurate news from showing in users’ feeds. “This way our users, a sixth of humanity by the way, will know the truth value of anything they see on Facebook—namely that it’s all bullshit,” said Zuckerberg. Answering questions about whether the company has a responsibility to play umpire, Zuckerberg responded, “We can’t evaluate and remove every piece of bogus hype or inflated paranoia. It’s much easier to remove the true stuff. There’s hardly any of it on Facebook to begin with.”
President-elect Donald J. Trump said stamping out “reverse racism” will be a “huge priority” for his administration.
He said he is going to outlaw the use of many words and expressions, such as “Dutch oven,” “Dutch uncle,” “going Dutch,” “shenanigans,” and “tomfoolery.” He added that he is also considering banning the use of “mansplain.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell challenged the program, saying, “This sounds a lot like a nanny state.”
Trump later called McConnell. Trump adviser Rudolf Giuliani said the president-elect assured McConnell that sexist and racist remarks will still be allowed “as long as they’re directed at women and people of color.”
Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson said he hasn’t decided whether to allow racist speech about Jews. “Mr. Trump is still grappling with the Jewish question.”
Donald J. Trump is denying rumors that some of his campaign aides, full of regret at what they’ve done to America, are proposing that Inauguration Day be renamed Quadrennial Insult Your Intelligence Day. The president-elect said, “All that talk is just a bunch of falsehooderies! Nobody from my campaign is ashamed of what we’ve brought upon our beautiful, conservative, capitalistic country!”
Vice President-elect Mike Pence echoed Trump’s statement. “We couldn’t be happier with the way that we’re about to rule this nation. All authority stops with me—I mean, my president. No, our president. Everyone’s. Including the majority of Americans, the over-50 percent who didn’t vote for him.”
In other news, Iowa senator Joni Ernst restated her claim that “clean water is overrated.”
Republicans today released their long-anticipated plan to replace Obamacare, and they claim it will reduce medical expenditures on the uninsured by 50%. Anyone without insurance who faces a life-threatening medical problem, regardless of pre-existing conditions, will be able to submit a petition for coverage to a new federal insurance clearinghouse. Each petition will be matched with a similar request. The two petitioners will be invited to a hearing where they will have an opportunity to explain to an expert panel why they deserve to live. The one who makes a better case will receive treatment. “Right there, we’re cutting costs in half,” said Republican Senator Rand Paul. “Republicans know how to make healthcare work again.”
The election of Donald J. Trump has led to a sharp drop in complaints by liberals about all other subjects. According to media monitoring firm Panops, mentions of traffic, smelly Uber drivers, watery lattes, and gout have all declined by 95% percent since Tuesday night. Panops CEO Justin Spry explained that his firm monitors all the major social networking channels to provide real-time mood information to brands and marketers. “Just looking at the data I have,” said Spry, “you’d think we’ve entered a new golden age for liberals. It’s like all their problems disappeared. For instance, we used to see an average of 1.26 complaints about lines at Whole Foods, per liberal, per day. That’s now at less than 0.0005.”
Republican Party Chair Reince Priebus argued that Americans should vote for Donald Trump for president because he’s much better at hiding stuff than Hillary Clinton is. “We have all these emails coming out all the time. She can’t control any of it,” said Priebus. “Look at Donald, on the other hand. We only have one partial document out of all the years he’s filed taxes—and I say filed, not paid. There are, what, 13 women who’ve accused him of groping. Come on, you and I know he’s done this to hundreds of women, probably thousands. He can’t help himself, but he manages to keep these things quiet. That’s a critical skill for any president. The president has to do all kinds of evil stuff he can’t let the American people know anything about. Donald J. Trump is ready for that challenge.”
Hillary Clinton’s staff is frantically working on revisions to her plans for her first 100 days in office. Plans to update Obamacare and pass an economic stimulus bill are being backburnered in favor of her new conviction that the federal government must do something to address the plague of email. An anonymous high-ranking Clinton aide tells Stoneslide, “She’s been focused on this since yesterday. She keeps saying, ‘This fucking email thing. We’ve got to stop it! It’s going to kill us.’ It’s all she’ll say. Even when we ask her how much she wants to raise taxes on the wealthy, she just says, ‘Email.'” Staffers are drawing up position papers recommending email be regulated by the FCC, an increase in the marketing budget of the US Post Office, requiring public schools to teach children about the danger of email instead of drugs, and other measures to reduce the harm email does in American life.
Donald J. Trump announced that if elected he will put a halt to all government funding of bench research. “We already know everything there is to know about benches. I swear, this is a country full of morons.”
Donald J. Trump is assuring voters that he will “put a stop to our country’s women problem.” Trump promised supporters that if elected he will require all women to undergo hysterectomies.
Trump said, “We are going to make women great! Not again, but for the first time! The world’s problems are right there in the word, ‘hysterical.’ I told you I had the best words!”
Trump said the procedure will be performed on every white woman with an intelligence quotient score of 140 or higher, and every last woman of color, regardless of her IQ.
Trump spokeswoman Scottie Nell Hughes said exceptions will be made for Trump’s daughter Ivanka, Omarosé Onee Maginault, and Tila Tequila.
The Republican candidate for the presidency of the United States said that women need his guidance and medical advice. “These females don’t know what’s good for them. I’ll teach ’em. I’ll show ’em who’s boss,” he said.
Charles “The Goatfucker” Jones, a professional wrestler from Elko, Nevada, said he thinks Trump is right. “All these beeyotches need to shut up about me whistling or pinching. With Mr. Trump as president, they finally will.”
Being hacked is the new status symbol in Washington, DC. Since Wikileaks started releasing the hacked emails of Clinton campaign head John Podesta, a slew of other political nabobs have been hoping to be important enough to get hacked—or at least to seem that way. Russian hacker Guccifer said he receives at least a dozen inquiries a day from Washington strivers begging him to send their correspondence on to Wikileaks. “They think it makes them look powerful, important, like big guy,” he said. Since the polls in the US presidential election have swung toward Clinton, most of the unsolicited correspondence Guccifer receives is filled with suspiciously verbose praise of the Democratic candidate. But that’s not all he sees. One famous political power couple sent him a sex tape on the theory that such an embarrassing video could only have been obtained in a genuine hack. “I can’t look at my screen for three days since I open that,” said Guccifer.
At a rally in Ohio, Donald J. Trump said that accusations that he has made unwanted sexual advances on at least nine women are tearing the nation apart. “It’s sad. It’s really sad,” Trump said. “These women say I touched them, grabbed their breasts, kissed them, whatever they say. And the rest of the women get so mad. You know what I’m saying. The other women think they’re missing out. Hey, there’s only one of me, okay, but everyone wants a piece.” After he launched into a digression on the topic of diner food versus fast food and how restaurant owners say Trump is the best patron ever, he returned to the topic of sexual harassment. “Once elected, I promise I will grope every woman who’s a United States citizen. Even the ones who, you know, I’ll have to close my eyes. None of you ladies will have to be jealous.” Trump spokeswoman Scottie Nell Hughes refused to lay out a timeline of when the Republican candidate would fulfill his promise.
The Republican National Committee today announced that it thought it was nominating Donald J. Trump to be president of the GOP’s new Canine Appreciation Club, not president of the United States of America. RNC head Reince Priebus told reporters, “You heard right at our convention. We all think Donald Trump has the skills, character, and vision to be a very effective president–president of the new branch we’re starting to encourage dog stewardship. That’s what we meant.” Priebus said that a survey of Republican delegates found that 98% thought they were nominating Trump for the chief dog advocate post; the other two percent were distracted by bright lights in the convention hall. “I was surprised by the law and order theme of Trump’s acceptance speech since most people use the word ‘discipline’ with dogs. Now it kind of makes sense, though,” said Priebus.
In recognition of the July 4th holiday, Donald J. Trump has proposed creating a new, improved flag of the United States of America. “That red and blue and all those stripes, it clashes with everything,” said the presumptive Republican nominee. “I have great taste. I have the best taste you’ll ever see. And I tell you that old rag is a stinker.” Trump unveiled the new design, which has the letters “USA” printed in gold on a solid white background. According to materials provided by the Trump campaign, the white color refers to the nation’s founding fathers, who were all white. The gold color stands for wealth and how the nation must always care for its rich. “Believe me, you don’t need those other colors,” said Trump. “All white is good. It’ll look so beautiful flying at my rallies. People will cry. They’ll be crying, it’s so beautiful.”
After a closed-door meeting with Donald J. Trump, three of the nation’s most prominent evangelical Christian leaders gave testimony to the presumptive Republican nominee’s newfound devotion. “He recited verses from the Good Book, and he cried as he spoke about the beauty of the Lord’s Commandments—even the adultery one,” said Jerry Falwell Jr, the president of Liberty University. “I saw the lamb of God come down and lick his hand,” said televangelist James Robison. “And the lamb liked it; I think Donald had on lavender hand lotion.” Franklin Graham added, “I had a vision that Donald was lying back with his head in God’s lap and his hair was being shampooed in the blood of Our Savior. When I looked at him, I mean really looked hard, I could swear his hair glowed. It was a sign that all good Christians have to vote for this man.” The three evangelicals also announced the opening of a new chain of megachurches with attached luxury hotel towers, made possible by funds from an anonymous donor.
Republican party chair Reince Priebus announced that a live bear will not be performing at the Republican National Convention, to be held soon in LeBron, Ohio (aka Cleveland). Priebus said that that rumor, along with several reports that a little person’s circus would be on site, are all “a pack of lies. This convention will be a serious affair. After all, we have a serious candidate.” 39-year-old Trump supporter Charles “The Goatfucker” Jones, a professional wrestler from Sparks, Nevada, said, “I’ve never seen a presidential candidate seriouser than Mr. Donald J. Trump. If you don’t think Mr. Trump is a genius, you’re a imbecile.” Trump himself was overheard saying he didn’t “give a rat’s ass about the convention. I just want to take over the—I mean, serve, the country.” In other news, San Diego Republicans said they want to show veterans how much they care by putting an end “once and for all” to all mental health care services in San Diego County and put the savings into strip clubs and card rooms, with drink discounts for all veterans who prove they voted for George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004.
Donald J. Trump is backing away from his assertion Wednesday night that he was going to ban Black Republicans from the party’s convention next month in LeBron, Ohio (aka Cleveland). The presumptuous—oops, presumptive—nominee said, “I want to ban White Republicans, too. I want Republicans. I don’t see black or white, I see dead people. Just kidding. I see humans. I’m a humanist, a *big time* humanist.” Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson said, “Mr. Trump was not aware that the Black Republican is a variety of cherry grown mostly in the Pacific Northwest, eaten fresh but used primarily in commercially made pies and ice creams. Mr. Trump is a very welcoming, not racially biased man. A man for all seasons, really.” In related news, Iowa Republican Terry Branstad denied that he was thinking about Trump the whole time Wednesday that he passed so much gas that the IQs of four people present temporarily dropped a whopping 60 points. Witnesses say Branstad’s IQ appeared to hold steady.
Donald J. Trump has reached out to England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland with a proposal to form “a more perfect union, a much more perfect union” between them and the United States. Trump said the new government consortium will be called the Authentic Atlantic Union, or AAU. Trump further said his first order of business will be to sue the longstanding Amateur Athletic Union, or AAU. The organization for youngsters of athletic promise has been in existence since 1888. Trump said, “Those assholes just exploit kids, and not even for something decent, like manufacturing or agriculture!” Press materials put out by the presumptive Republican nominee’s campaign indicate that the full, official name of the new governmental entity would be the Authentic Atlantic Union of the United States and Some Other, Lesser Countries. In other news, unseasonably high temperatures in eastern Oregon are putting that state’s wheat harvest at risk. Republicans there propose renting enormous gas- and diesel-powered air cooling units to station at the edges of all fields.
The Trump campaign plans to turn traditional voter canvassing on its head with a new mobile app that’s been nicknamed “Uber for assholes.” Instead of indiscriminately sending out volunteers to pound the pavement and knock on doors, the Trump team will only send out a surrogate (aka, the “asshole”) when a voter requests one through the app. Requests for an “asshole” (aka, Trump supporter) can be made 24 hours a day for a charge of $14.95 per minute, with peak pricing at times of high demand. Democrats have labeled the new app a desperate attempt to raise funds by a foundering campaign. Trump’s director of social media Daniel Scavino Jr. counters, “You can get a Hillary goon for free. Visits from the Trump team are a premium good.”
A conservative columnist has launched a website for women who find the prospect of a Trump presidency irresistibly sexy. Ann Coulter said the site, called “I Jill for Trump” is modeled after a similar site for men who get turned on at the thought of Trump being America’s next White House CEO. Coulter said, “I figure if Mike Huckabee—not known for his entrepreneurial prowess—can make money at this, so can I.” (Huckabee recently launched “I Jerk for Trump.”) Coulter said her site has videos and still photos of the presumptive Republican nominee discussing foreign policy, ordering bottles of wine at restaurants, rolling up his sleeves while speaking, and archival tape of him pushing his first daughter in a swing. Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said the site is “sure to be a winner. Donald Trump is sexier than a polar bear getting dropped with a 50 caliber rifle. I jill for Trump. And believe me, I do it all the time.” Tea Party cofounder Debbie Dooley said, “When I imagine him talking shit to some tight-ass woman who just needs a good you-know-whating, I get so wet. These things must be taken care of, and I do it. Gladly. I jill for Trump.” The site provides a much-needed service for conservative women, according to 34-year-old Elizabeth Farft. She’s a Trump supporter from Racine, Wisconsin, who has been unable to work since 2008 after suffering injuries and being arrested for assault at a reception following her stepson’s First Communion. Farft said, “Only a uptight priss would think Trump isn’t sexy. He’s a hell of a lot sexier than that Muslim-in-Chief who’s in there now.” In other news, Iowa Republican Joni Ernst said, “I will hate terrorists ’til the day I die, but I will staunchly defend their right to buy semi-automatic firearms.”
Presumptuous—oops, presumptive—Republican nominee Donald J Trump said if elected he will offshore Congress. “It would be so much cheaper.” To critics, Trump said during a speech outside Owings Mills, Maryland, “Look, I’m not looking to outsource these knuckleheads. (Not yet.) This is offshoring, you morons.” Trump said his proposal has nothing to with rumors that upon his inauguration, if elected, he would dissolve the Supreme Court and the House and Senate. He said the plan simply “makes good ol’ American sense.” Even with travel expenses, the Republican bankruptcy filer said, offshoring Congress would be “great” for the country financially. “They could use one of my planes—I’d give them a good rate.” He said “thrifty” lodging might help the nation’s books, too. One of Trump’s companies owns a company that owns another company that either owns, manages, or both—it’s not entirely clear—a quarter-star 700-unit motel compound on New Providence Island, the Bahamas.
The Republican Party announced that valuable concession contracts for the upcoming Republican National Convention have been awarded to a company owned by Donald J. Trump. Delegates and other attendees at the conference will be able to buy Trump Hot Dogs, Trump Steak on a Stick, Trump Nuts, Trump Popcorn, and Trumpade. All of the food products are high in GMOs. Trump University will also have advising sessions running in several of the conference rooms at Quicken Loans Arena, at which delegates can learn about the university’s new courses in politics and media. Trump Vacations will have a 5,000-square-foot display with a life-sized replica of one of their beachfront condos available for rental or timeshare purchase. RNC head Reince Priebus said, “The Republican Party has always been on the side of American business, and this is just the latest… Oh, god, Mr. Trump made us do it.”
The GOP announced that the lucrative contract to erect the fence in front of their convention stage has been awarded. A Gary, Indiana, company will put up the chicken wire that will shield speakers from audience members. Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus said McNulty, Baltie, Moore, & Sons will erect the fence. The business gained a small degree of fame in the 1980s, when they put up the chicken wire fence that protected musical acts at Bob’s Country Bunker, in the movie The Blues Brothers. Priebus said the RNC will also be strictly enforcing a no-coolers rule inside the convention center, and will additionally prohibit bare upper bodies. The Republican national convention is slated to run from July 18 to July 21 in Cleveland, Ohio. In other news, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker denied reports that most of his thoughts center around fund-raising, roast beef sandwiches, and avoiding jail time.
The city of Palo Alto, California, rejected an offer from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg to buy the municipality. Zuckerberg said he wants to buy the entire town in order to enhance his privacy. He said he doesn’t want people being able to see his property, and worse, possibly see into his home. He said that because he hates curtains and drapes, the purchase, and then the relocation of everyone who lives there, is the only acceptable solution. In addition to residents and their homes, the social media magnate wants businesses to be ousted and their structures bulldozed as well, except for:
-a dry cleaners
-a nail salon
-a barber shop
-a boutique hotel
-a Whole Foods
-a bicycle shop
-and a couple private clubs.
In 2013 it was reported that Zucerkberg bought 4 homes near his, and in late May of this year people learned that Zuckerberg intends to raze those homes. A Zuckerberg spokesman said, “It’s unconscionable that my amazing, thoughtful boss lives like this.” Palo Alto mayor Karen Holman said the city might consider the sale if they can “get something in the 16-digit range, and save the high schools’ equine massage programs.” In other tech news, Yahoo is denying rumors that it will hold a rummage sale next Saturday.