For a while it was cute. Donnie found his dad’s sunglasses and bomber jacket while playing in the car. He put them on and pretended to drive.
Read More...Stoneslide News Aggregator
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 2017
Criminal defense attorneys around the country are developing a new legal strategy that they call the "Trump did it" defense. These attorneys, who are waiting until the Inauguration to officially unveil their plan, say it will aid clients facing a wide range of charges, including sexual assault, perjury, embezzlement, securities fraud, espionage, and solicitation. "We are a nation of laws," says Marty Klein, a public defender in Brooklyn. "That means that the same rules have to apply to the person at the top as apply to those at the bottom. If Trump isn't held accountable for a behavior, that's a signal that, hey, our society has judged that thing to be okay. Our clients should be held to the same low standard we hold our president to." In other news, Twitter will change its terms of service to encourage personal abuse and ban excessive displays of tolerance.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2016
Facebook announced a plan to deal with the "fake news" controversy. The company has been accused of not doing enough to stem the flow of false news stories in users' feeds, and some critics have argued that the spread of unfounded rumors and conspiracy theories may have contributed to Donald Trump's electoral victory. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a decisive and in his words "absolutely guaranteed" solution. The social network will henceforth block any accurate news from showing in users' feeds. "This way our users, a sixth of humanity by the way, will know the truth value of anything they see on Facebook—namely that it's all bullshit," said Zuckerberg. Answering questions about whether the company has a responsibility to play umpire, Zuckerberg responded, "We can't evaluate and remove every piece of bogus hype or inflated paranoia. It's much easier to remove the true stuff. There's hardly any of it on Facebook to begin with."
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2016
President-elect Donald J. Trump said stamping out “reverse racism” will be a “huge priority” for his administration.
He said he is going to outlaw the use of many words and expressions, such as “Dutch oven,” “Dutch uncle,” “going Dutch,” “shenanigans,” and “tomfoolery.” He added that he is also considering banning the use of “mansplain.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell challenged the program, saying, “This sounds a lot like a nanny state.”
Trump later called McConnell. Trump adviser Rudolf Giuliani said the president-elect assured McConnell that sexist and racist remarks will still be allowed “as long as they’re directed at women and people of color.”
Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson said he hasn’t decided whether to allow racist speech about Jews. “Mr. Trump is still grappling with the Jewish question.”
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2016
Donald J. Trump is denying rumors that some of his campaign aides, full of regret at what they’ve done to America, are proposing that Inauguration Day be renamed Quadrennial Insult Your Intelligence Day. The president-elect said, “All that talk is just a bunch of falsehooderies! Nobody from my campaign is ashamed of what we’ve brought upon our beautiful, conservative, capitalistic country!”
Vice President-elect Mike Pence echoed Trump’s statement. “We couldn’t be happier with the way that we’re about to rule this nation. All authority stops with me—I mean, my president. No, our president. Everyone’s. Including the majority of Americans, the over-50 percent who didn’t vote for him.”
In other news, Iowa senator Joni Ernst restated her claim that “clean water is overrated.”
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2016
Republicans today released their long-anticipated plan to replace Obamacare, and they claim it will reduce medical expenditures on the uninsured by 50%. Anyone without insurance who faces a life-threatening medical problem, regardless of pre-existing conditions, will be able to submit a petition for coverage to a new federal insurance clearinghouse. Each petition will be matched with a similar request. The two petitioners will be invited to a hearing where they will have an opportunity to explain to an expert panel why they deserve to live. The one who makes a better case will receive treatment. "Right there, we're cutting costs in half," said Republican Senator Rand Paul. "Republicans know how to make healthcare work again."
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2016
The election of Donald J. Trump has led to a sharp drop in complaints by liberals about all other subjects. According to media monitoring firm Panops, mentions of traffic, smelly Uber drivers, watery lattes, and gout have all declined by 95% percent since Tuesday night. Panops CEO Justin Spry explained that his firm monitors all the major social networking channels to provide real-time mood information to brands and marketers. "Just looking at the data I have," said Spry, "you'd think we've entered a new golden age for liberals. It's like all their problems disappeared. For instance, we used to see an average of 1.26 complaints about lines at Whole Foods, per liberal, per day. That's now at less than 0.0005."
MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2016
Republican Party Chair Reince Priebus argued that Americans should vote for Donald Trump for president because he's much better at hiding stuff than Hillary Clinton is. "We have all these emails coming out all the time. She can't control any of it," said Priebus. "Look at Donald, on the other hand. We only have one partial document out of all the years he's filed taxes—and I say filed, not paid. There are, what, 13 women who've accused him of groping. Come on, you and I know he's done this to hundreds of women, probably thousands. He can't help himself, but he manages to keep these things quiet. That's a critical skill for any president. The president has to do all kinds of evil stuff he can't let the American people know anything about. Donald J. Trump is ready for that challenge."
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2016
Hillary Clinton's staff is frantically working on revisions to her plans for her first 100 days in office. Plans to update Obamacare and pass an economic stimulus bill are being backburnered in favor of her new conviction that the federal government must do something to address the plague of email. An anonymous high-ranking Clinton aide tells Stoneslide, "She's been focused on this since yesterday. She keeps saying, 'This fucking email thing. We've got to stop it! It's going to kill us.' It's all she'll say. Even when we ask her how much she wants to raise taxes on the wealthy, she just says, 'Email.'" Staffers are drawing up position papers recommending email be regulated by the FCC, an increase in the marketing budget of the US Post Office, requiring public schools to teach children about the danger of email instead of drugs, and other measures to reduce the harm email does in American life.
Latest Humor/Satire
Trump Team Releases New Education Plan
American education’s new “MAGA Standards” provide teachers with goals and expectations so they can prepare students for the world of lost privacy, macro-economic bankruptcy, American whitening, feudalism, daily DEFCON 2 cell phone alerts, dark-web abortions, petroleum seeps, sea rise, and negotiating land grants on the Mars frontier.
Read More...The Ultimate Rejection: Get Dinged by Donald Trump!
We at The Stoneslide Corrective value reaching out to everyone. We have never shied from inclusiveness, including including people who disagree with us, including disagreeing with our inclusive inclusivity. So, back in August, we reached out to Donald J. Trump’s campaign and asked them to ask him to pen rejections for our Rejection Generator. We figured, hey, what if the guy wins? It might be good to have some rejections ready. We further figured, if he’s willing to write them, and what he writes doesn’t suck, we’ll feed them into the Generator and see if it finds them sufficiently vile and hurtful. Mr. Trump did not disappoint.
Read More...How to Determine If Your Wife Might Vote for Clinton
A recent poll found that 45% of married women plan to vote for Hillary Clinton, while only 33% of married men believe their wives will pull the lever for Clinton (see The Economist/YouGov, October 7-8). Clearly this difference bespeaks a breakdown in communication between spouses of frightening proportions. It’s up to us as men, as husbands and fathers, to heal this rift.
Read More...TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2016
Earlier today the governor of North Carolina, Pat McCrory, stood before cameras at the statehouse, and addressed his constituents. “This morning someone told me North Carolina has a bicameral legislature. This is disgusting. Our founders did not want this country or this state to allow the practice of the repulsive, disgusting lifestyle of bicamerality. Let me assure you, bicamerality is as evil in God’s eyes as homocamerality, and transcamerality. We must stamp out this morally repugnant bicamerality. It will be the ruin of our children. God will not stand for this; if we do not change, locusts will descend upon us like, like locusts, and will destroy us. And if that happens, if we are destroyed, it shall be just because it shall be God’s will. We must destroy bicamerals and their vomit-inducing bicameral lifestyle preferences. I therefore move that we abolish the legislature, effective midnight tonight.” Roughly 30 minutes later, McCrory’s office issued a statement, without comment, instructing people to disregard the preceding address.
Read More...MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2016
In sports news, the Boston Red Sox denied rumors that the team has issued 3rd baseman Pablo Sandoval a wheelbarrow to hold his gut while he bats, “runs” the bases, and fields his position. “It’s just not true,” said general manager Mike Hazen. “The device is more like a steel–belted fanny pack, but the size of a child’s wading pool.” Team owner John Henry said that in a bold move Sandoval, who is reputed to have a bad work ethic and poor self–control, has hired TV cooking star Gordon Ramsay to be his personal chef. “Pablo hates being criticized, and he thinks the constant tear–shedding that would no doubt occur under incessant Ramsey tongue–lashings will melt the weight away.” The team’s strength and conditioning coach, Michael Boyle, said the paunchy “Panda” is considering doing “some bench presses and a few curls every week.” Sandoval declined to comment, but the gut said it’s never felt better.
Read More...Get Yer Fresh Rejection (Now with Soundtrack) from Author Libby Cudmore
This week, we have seven rejections from author Libby Cudmore. She may appear sweet, but inside she has the pitiless, razor-wire heart of a true editor. And she has contributed a new twist to The Rejection Generator: each heart-rending rejection note comes with a suggested soundtrack, to maximize your suffering.
Read More...San Francisco’s Mayor Suggests Way to Rid City of Homeless People Before Super Bowl
With the big game just weeks away, Mayor Ed Lee is pushing a plan that he says will eliminate San Francisco’s homeless problem. Lee wants to institute an assisted homicide program, whereby regular people can be trained by a firearms expert, and then shoot and kill up to five homeless residents per session.
“Even in a progressive city such as ours, we have to acknowledge that the homeless are a blight for tech workers and tourists who just want to enjoy our beautiful city, in large part because there are so many. This program, therefore, would achieve several goals at once—first, eradication of the homeless, and then, stress reduction, beautification, and increased tourism revenues,” Lee says. “With all the brain wattage we have in this town, the program could be up and running in a couple days.”
Read More...2015/16: Looking Forward and Back
We will take advantage of the conventions surrounding the turning of the Gregorian calendar to share some thoughts about the year to come and highlights from the year just passed.
Read More...Holiday Gift Assist: Last-Minute Shopper’s Guide to the Perfect Gift
At Stoneslide GiftWorks, we know that many of you, despite the regular warnings provided by kindly and helpful marketers, have not yet completed your Christmas shopping. You have doomed yourself to spending the last few days before the holiday in a sweaty panic about having to writhe through overpacked shopping mall aisles, like a sardine in some strange orgiastic spawning ritual. Despite the fact that you have brought this suffering on yourself, we wish to help you. Here are some gifts for that very, very, very hard-to-shop-for person on your list.
Read More...Gun Rights Are Animal Rights, Says New Group
A splinter group demanding more rights for animals has broken away from the ASPCA. “We believe animals deserve all the same fundamental rights as humans,” said Wilt Hamilton, leader of the breakaway contingent. “And that includes the right to bear arms.”
Read More...Danger Is the Great Incubator of Safety
American automakers are fed up with trying to save drivers from themselves. Calling it futile to try to prevent death or injury during the use of their products because “there will always be crazies and criminals intent on harming others,” they are going to strip out extraneous safety features, such as seat belts, airbags, and […]
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