1. April 2007
ME: Go ahead. Coo coo coo coo. [Lips making raspberry sound.]
WIFE: Everyone, she just smiled. I’m telling you, she smiled at her daddy. It was amazing. Maybe she’ll do it again.
ME: Coo cooo. Daddy makes a silly face. Silly faces. You like silly faces, don’t you?
BABY: Waaahhhh. [Whining.]
WIFE: She really just smiled. I’m telling you.
BABY: Waaahhhh! [Full, lung-emptying wail.]
ME: She must want something.
WIFE: I’m telling you, she smiled. She can smile.
[MOVIE ENDS]
2. August 2008
WIFE: What was that you said a second ago, honey?
TODDLER: I wan cracka.
WIFE: No, you told me a little story. Honey, what was your little story?
TODDLER: I wan cracka.
WIFE: It was so funny, sweetie.
ME: You know, what happened after the purple cow came in our house? Remember, you said the cow was in our house…
GRANDFATHER: She’s telling you she’s hungry.
WIFE: What did the cow say to you, honey? That was so funny. Remember, the cow said, “I just came from…”
TODDLER: I wan cracka.
[MOVIE ENDS]
3. September 2009
ME: Hold your sister up straight, please. That’s it.
WIFE: Say, “Sisters,” like you just were. Smile.
ME: No. Hold her up straight. You have to hold her straight, sweetie, she’s too little to do it on her own.
WIFE: That’s right, sit up straight like you just were.
ME: Just hold your sister. Say you love her.
WIFE: Oh no!
BABY: [Crying.]
WIFE: No!
ME: Damn it, you have to be gentle with your sister!
BABY: [Crying.]
PRESCHOOLER: [Crying.]
[MOVIE ENDS]
4. December 2010
WIFE: On the fifth night…
KINDERGARTNER: [Hollering.] Jingle bells, Batman smells…
WIFE: On the fifth night of…
TODDLER: No, you can’t sing, Mommy!
WIFE: I don’t want to sing. I want you two to sing together the way you just were. Grandma and grandpa will love to see this. Now, on the fifth night of Christmas…
KINDERGARTNER: Fart!
TODDLER: [Laughing.]
KINDERGARTNER: [Laughing.]
ME: [Camera shakes. Laughing.]
WIFE: …my true love gave to me….
Oh, just stop it already.
Is it off?
I said stop it.
Don’t be an asshole.
[MOVIE ENDS]
5. July 2011
WIFE: Here is our big girl, just back from camp.
OLDER SIBLING: This is my Day Camp certificate.
YOUNGER SIBLING: In the blue, the sky has birds.
OLDER SIBLING: It shows I learned crafts, culture, activities—
YOUNGER SIBLING: There’s a pony on the clouds…
OLDER SIBLING: You can see my awards here. I did safety, nutrition—
YOUNGER SIBLING: In the gray, the sky has water.
ME: What are you looking at, sweetie? Is there something there?
OLDER SIBLING: She doesn’t even make sense! Are you videoing me?
ME: No. I just like standing here like this.
YOUNGER SIBLING: The sky! The sky!
WIFE: Can we get just one thing right?
[MOVIE ENDS]
