We at Fiction Writers for Better Misinformation wish to lay our heads on a plush pillow and rest, but we keep seeing opportunities to improve the political process, and we can’t resist offering our wisdom to the world once again.

We have watched in recent weeks as the Obama administration appears to risk becoming consumed in the flames of scandal. We are all familiar with the external signs of scandal—the heat and light, so to speak, the apparently sincere concern, the escalating revelation and speculation and revelation again, the exegetical ecstasies over each batch of new emails, the unflinching hypocrisy from both parties as they shift stance based on who is accused and who accuser this time. We know this farrago of farce so well, we already dread tomorrow’s headlines, half-knowing what they will be. But what purpose does it all serve? On the one hand, all of the controversy and political maneuvering must detract from any administration’s ability to govern effectively and to motivate the lawmakers, civil servants, activists, and others we need working together in the public interest. It shreds and slows the working of government. On the other hand, when there is true wrongdoing at the bottom of a scandal, the controversy and endless gabbing can dig it out and expose it. Certainly more than one potential miscreant in the executive branch must have stopped, hand on the metaphorical cookie jar lid, and imagined how his mug shot would look on Fox News one day.

In our opinion, the whole apparatus of of scandal-seeking is beneficial when there is genuine miscreancy and harmful when it’s all a confection of palaver and false umbrage. The key is to separate true scandals from false.

Governing Solution #433

Require all lawmakers, investigators, media pundits, and think tank analysts who appear on television, before they are allowed to use the word “scandal,” to make a prediction of the level of seriousness of the underlying misdeeds. These can include:

• None. False scandal.
• Minimal. Misdeeds by low-level officials with no connection to the administration.
• Moderate. Clear connections to the administration.
• Serious. Cabinet-level involvement; the president either knew or should have known.
• Capital. The president either ordered it or was having an extramarital affair while it happened.

The scandal mongers will then be required to make a payment of $50 to an escrowed fund each time they use the word “scandal” in public. (Contributions will be capped at $100,000 or 10% of annual income, whichever is greater.) We were inspired in this idea by a beloved school teacher of ours who made children put nickels in a jar every time they used bad language. Or maybe it was something we saw on a sitcom.

All of the money collected related to each scandal will be pooled and then distributed at the end of the scandal (either with the Congressional report, jury verdict, or dismissal by a judge) with everyone who was proved right sharing in the pay out. Those who were wrong get nothing.

This system incentivizes those who would hold forth about a scandal to get their facts right. It may have a slight chilling effect on speech, in the sense that yakking, lying, misdirecitng, and accusing are given that constitutionally protected label, but that cost is more than offset by the increase in truthful and responsible speech.

We also believe that this system will make political speech more meaningful, as people will be held to their statements in a new way. Words have meaning. Let those who speak in our most influential public fora be responsible for the meaning and implication of their words.

The fund can easily be administered by the FCC. They’re already monitoring broadcasts for potential nipple slips. Surely the same observers can listen for the word “scandal” while keeping their eyes on lapels and necklines for any appearance of an areola.

This solution seems so simple and obvious to us. Again, we must note that our nation is plagued by problems that could be solved with just a little imagination and discipline. Which is to say that the republic needs FBMisin. We will not be resting for some time, we fear. Except when the DVRed sticoms pile up.