Many people see the government doing something they don’t like and their only thought is, stop! Just stop! They hear the National Security Agency is monitoring communications through major social networks and other sites, and they think, stop! Don’t let the government do that! They learn that the government is spending more than it takes in and again, they think, stop!
We at Fiction Writers for Better Misinformation try to bring the power of imagination to the nation’s problems. One quality of imagination is to draw connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena, and by doing so to create something new. And so, we present:
FBMisin Governing Proposal #4456
Start up a government-owned for-profit enterprise that can monetize all the data the government now holds on all its people. This new enterprise, call it Remember for Me, will build a smartphone app that can instantly answer any question you have about your own past. They have the data, after all. They can easily work with one of their established technical partners—Google or Apple, say—to build the user interface. This service will be tremendously popular. Think of all the problems it can solve.
• Your kids complain that you always have chicken for dinner on Monday nights. You can quickly query Remember for Me, which will search purchasing records, your children’s texts, and any recorded observations from your neighbors to calculate that you only have chicken on 87.5% of Monday nights. The kids will shut their smart mouths after that.
• You’re telling your new best friend about your guy history, but you can’t remember, did that asshole Steve break up with you with a text message or a voicemail? You do remember he was an asshole, but somehow the exact form of his departing assholery slips through your fingers. But Remember for Me can easily call up the last known communication from the asshole in question.
• You’re at a party for your 10th wedding anniversary, and a thought creeps into your mind, did you really sleep with Jane after you met your now-wife Helen? You’d think you’d remember that, but after all these years… Remember for Me can quickly cross-reference your calling records and condom purchases to come up with an answer.
• You need to keep track of things like when you’re due for routine vaccinations, a prescription refill, another prostate exam. Who can remember all that? Uncle Sam and Remember for Me!
Who wouldn’t pay $10 a month for this service? And $10 a month times all the country’s smart phone users equals a huge new income stream that can reduce the nation’s debt. Once we all become comfortably dependent on the government for our memories of our own lives, they’ll be able to raise the price substantially.
Of course, there are many other ways to make profitable use of data held by the government, and we should unleash the power of the American entrepreneurial spirit to work for deficit reduction. Here is but one more business idea: Just for Minors! Your fake ID seems to be losing some of its magical ability to give you access to alcohol, gambling, and other fundamental requirements of modern-day adolescence. This service can access surveillance video from liquor stores, nightclubs, and casinos where you’ve struck out, and by tracking the eye movement and facial expressions of the gatekeepers, see where they’re finding flaws in the card, so you can ensure a higher rate of entry in the ID’s next iteration.
We’re counting on the heroes of the private sector to step up to this challenge.
