Dear employees,

You may have noticed that our work performance review process is incredibly confusing and complex with no discernible connection to either your past performance or your advancement and place within the company. This despite our repeated assurances that our driving goal is to improve employee performance and give you the tools you need to do your job well. I want to assure you that the muddle-headed complexity of our eight-stage review forms, 43-point online evaluation system, and 399 degree peer feedback enhancer is not in any way the product of malice or deliberate deception. It is the result, quite simply, of our incompetence—manifest in this case in an inability to think through how our forms and processes will affect the people they are intended to help—and a desperate rearguard action to conceal that incompetence with jargon and phrases we’ve seen on PowerPoint slides at various conferences.

Given that the widespread belief that the HR department is “out to get you” could erode morale and eventually lower employee performance, I provide this reassurance that what seems ill will is merely incompetence and fear. Please believe me that in our hearts we want the best for you. And I remind you that all evaluation forms, checklists, validated reviews, and urine samples are due by the end of the week.