On July 5, 1776, Arthur Middleton, a signer of the Declaration of Independence from South Carolina, walked down from the third floor room at the Inn where he had been staying throughout the latest session of the Continental Congress. He was met in the Inn’s kitchen by Samuel Beckwith, an out-of-work printer, who had just read a copy of the new founding document.

QUOTH BECKWITH: Have you seen this new Declaration? This glorious work, I should call it.
QUOTH MIDDLETON: I have the honor to serve the honorable colony, er, uh, state of South Carolina in the Congress that adopted that much-needed resolution, and you will find my name among the signatures on its bottom portion. Do look. It’s Middleton, Arthur Middleton. It’s near the bottom. For some reason, we did not put them in alphabetical order, though I forwarded two motions on the subject, but very well, do as you wish.
QUOTH BECKWITH: You are a brave man, sir. Let me shake your hand.
QUOTH MIDDLETON: [Whilst being vigorously shook.] What do you mean “brave”?
QUOTH BECKWITH: Well, if the Brits catch you… [Mimes a hanging and makes the rough noise of a neck snapping.]
QUOTH MIDDLETON: Well… My… Well… Would you believe I was drunk?

We at The Stoneslide Corrective believe that this moment should be commemorated with a new holiday to immediately follow Independence Day. It will be called Would You Believe I Was Drunk Day.

Though it is not yet federally recognized, we can all start practicing it now. Have you recently committed yourself to something big, meaningful, even dangerous? Tell everyone you were drunk and try to get out of it. It’s not too late. You could be one of the happy loyalists who flees to Canada and lives quite prosperously there while others fight out the Revolutionary War. Why get involved in all the mud-and-blood stuff yourself? This is a day to remember that those who are brave are not always brave, and none of us should always be held to the standards of our best moments.