Anonymous: There are no “fun” jobs; it’s you, the employee, who either does or doesn’t make work enjoyable

Dear The Tank,

How can I find a fun job?

—Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You haven’t given us much to go on with your brief note, but I can infer a few things. First, your use of the word “fun” rather than “rewarding” or “meaningful” or “tolerable” makes me think that you are still quite young. Only the young believe in fun. Second, you value directness. You sent us a short question, no doubt looking for a short answer. Third, you have trouble following through on things. I mean, you come to us seeking advice that could transform your life, and all you can muster is seven words. Did you wander off to play Candy Crush Saga before you could tell us any more?

Nonetheless, I will try to tailor my answer to your proclivities and capabilities and produce a plan of action that can lead to happiness in your work life.

Sadly, I think your search for a “fun job” is misdirected. You need to learn, instead, to have fun at your job, no matter how mind-numbing and soul-degrading it may be. One approach a number of friends of mine have recommended is to find little opportunities during the day to steal, embezzle, or destroy your employer’s property. Not only does this add variety to the workday routine, it can introduce the thrill of risking discovery (not to mention jail time), and help blow off steam from the inevitable mistreatment you will suffer from your bosses and customers. One woman I know who works at a retail clothing chain says she enjoys spitting into sweaters and other clothes as she refolds them. It’s such a little thing but it makes her day much brighter. Another friend who works at the warehouse for a regional restaurant chain calls me once or twice a week, and I drive to a spot beside the barbed wire fence that surrounds the facility. He then hurls bags of frozen chicken wings, fried calamari, and potato skins in rainbow arcs over the fence, and I stuff as many as will fit into the trunk of my car. Sometimes we’ll have people over to watch the game that night. Sometimes we take the bags downtown, where we can sell them for a buck apiece. When we’ve collected $50 or so, we have enough to find one of the guys who hang out in Union Park—

Hey, that’s another good idea: meth. Take a little each day before you start.

In short, as your generation likes it: theft and/or drugs are your best bets.

I hope you’ve managed to read this far without jumping off to finish another level in Candy Crush. I want to know that you will use this advice to get off to a good start as you look ahead at five or six decades of work. This is a very important time for you.

—The Tank

The Tank is inspired by Gracious Living Without Servants, the new novel by Wall Street Journal writer Brenda Cronin. Juliet, the heroine of that novel, makes all kinds of bad choices that end up making life way more interesting. Read the first chapter.