Kyle: Find what matters in life

Dear The Tank,

I am a twenty-eight-year-old male who will have to move back in with my parents next month. I’ve been out of work for six months, and in fact had only had that particular job for four months, after having been laid off before that. The move will require me to relocate 375 miles north, from Los Angeles to Daly City, California. My girlfriend is against the move. She can’t or won’t realize that I’m against it, too, but have no choice. What should I do? I truly cannot afford to live on my own unless I want to do it on the streets.

—Kyle

Dear Kyle,

First off, you’re looking at this all wrong. Take your focus off these matters and look at the big picture for a change. In what ways will you interestingly keep your tumblr updated during your six-week journey north? (I have every confidence that your car is a piece of shit and it will take you at least that long to traverse 375 miles.) What will you do with your Spotify settings? Which In-N-Out Burgers will be on your route up? One thing I’m glad you haven’t considered is moving in with your girlfriend. Spare her. You have to think about what this journey would mean for you across the arc of your life. Now, forget about this bs idea of a move north. Once you think about the arc, you’ll realize heading north to live with your (obviously inept) parents would be the wrong call. You say you have no choice, but you always have a choice. You have to learn how to commit yourself—100%—to the things that are really important.

Here’s what you do. Take about 750 selfies from around your crappy apartment, some that include your neighbors, some with the building’s exterior as backdrop—including graffiti, if possible—some with your clearly unlucky girlfriend, and anything else you want. You’ll use these over the next several years to supplement the other photos you’ll be putting on your Facebook and tumblr and—wait, let me guess; you’re on flickr, not tumblr. Putz. So, go get a tumblr. Create several new Pandora stations: 1) Music for Winners; 2) Music for Staring up at the Night Sky; 3) Yacht Rock; 4) Anti-Yacht Rock. Listen to these stations whenever you’re having a great day, bad day, any kind of day. Listen. Focus. Make sure you own your iPad outright, your phone too, so that they can’t be repossessed. Buy a 30-pack of toilet paper. Get a haircut. Update your Facebook status. The system may force you to move into that car of yours, but don’t worry about that.

Do not distract yourself with trivialities like trying to find work. Even if the work is meaningless, Kyle, it will still be a waste of time. And if, God forbid, it’s meaningful, then you’re just handing over your soul to The Man. All your life you’ve (admittedly half-heartedly, I should guess) taken the conventional path, and look at the dead end that path has taken you to. You need to understand that your life is a thing of exquisite beauty, no matter how trivial it may seem to those who wear society’s blinders. Indeed, the triviality of your actions only greater proves the transcendent beauty of your Kyle-ness. And that beauty must be shared with the world. Go on the grand adventure of caring about what’s truly important, such as paying close attention to what’s shaking at TMZ, following the box scores and video highlights of Yasiel Puig or any other Dodgers you think are electric, getting your Youtube channel in order so you can get more hits on the footage you’ll be taking of all your coming antics, and getting some gloves with rubber grips to make climbing dumpsters easier.

You get the picture now, don’t you, Kyle? We knew you would.

Keep in touch.

Sincerely,

—The Tank

The Tank is inspired by Gracious Living Without Servants, the new novel by Wall Street Journal writer Brenda Cronin. Juliet, the heroine of that novel, makes all kinds of bad choices that end up making life way more interesting. Read the first chapter.