Liz: Stop fantasizing and take action

Dear The Tank,

My husband cheated on me a few weeks ago. Well, I found out about it a few weeks ago, but apparently it was going on for some time. I’m so hurt, devastated really. I want my relationship with him back. It was everything I ever longed for. But I can’t get the thought of what he did out of my head. I get angry all the time to the point that I can’t recognize myself. How do I get over these destructive thoughts?

Sincerely,

—Liz

Dear Liz,

A recurrent thought like what you describe can only be removed in one way: You must process it by turning the thought into productive action. But you must be very careful in how you approach this.

If you’re like most women in your position, you probably spend a lot of time fantasizing about getting revenge for the way he hurt you. Perhaps you’re working in the kitchen and you find yourself imagining using the garlic press in your hand to mince one–just one–of his gonads. Unfortunately, this sort of thing can lead to real legal trouble. It will also destroy the relationship you want to save–not to mention your pasta pomodoro. Try to find another avenue for action.

Or say you start thinking you could take some dude from a bar and fuck him until his knees buckle permanently. Say you think about doing everything your husband ever wanted you to do, thinking you’ll throw that in his face one day. I think you can see where that kind of thinking leads, can’t you? Utter bliss is where. Think about what happens when he finds out you’ve had your little fling, too. Then he’ll need his revenge fuck, too. Then you find out about that, and you have another go at a payback poke. And then he finds out… Your inhibitions come down and the cycle time shortens until you hardly have time to get out of bed before falling back into it with another hardbody stranger. The two of you will provoke each other to the heights of sensual bliss, just not with each other. Nonetheless, you can call that a kind of relationship.

I wish you every success in getting through this.

—The Tank

The Tank is inspired by Gracious Living Without Servants, the new novel by Wall Street Journal writer Brenda Cronin. Juliet, the heroine of that novel, makes all kinds of bad choices that end up making life way more interesting. Read the first chapter.