Polling expert explained recent results to Republicans, leading to panic and immediate reversal of positions.

The Stoneslide Corrective has learned that a new polling consultant was brought in to explain recent survey results to Republican members of the House of Representatives. The meeting was called by party leadership and aimed particularly at recently elected Tea Party members.

“Some of these guys are kind of new to the finer points of national politics,” explained one veteran aide to Speaker John Boehner. “They needed to hear what these polls mean for our party’s ability to build a governing coalition.”

The biggest revelation came when the consultant explained that the party’s 24% approval rating was on a scale of 100. “No!” cried several members. “It’s 24 out of 10.”

Another point that persuaded a number of members to change tack came when the consultant explained that 47 (Obama’s approval rating) is much higher than 24. He used a visual display showing 24 cupcakes on one side of a table and 47 cupcakes on the other—a tactic inspired by his daughter’s recent science fair project.

“There was confusion in the caucus,” said one member who asked for anonymity because he spoke honestly. “Paul Ryan told us all that it was a logarithmic scale or something like that, and that 24 was better than 47, just like lower tax rates generate more revenue.”

A rump faction within the caucus continued to object that these were just numbers and made up like other science. The consultant explained that pollsters talk to real people, people who will vote in future elections. To demonstrate the principle, he called several random voters, all of whom responded with expletives and threats when asked what they thought of Congressional Republicans.

Another member said that Republicans may now be forced to reconsider other positions they find anathema, such as equal pay for women, fair treatment for poor and middle class people, and progressive taxation.