Over the last two weeks, the US Congress has destroyed $24 billion in economic value, degraded the country’s reputation around the world, and put a major damper over millions of lives for no discernible reason. They’ve set a very high bar for themselves. Can an institution apparently devoted to meaningless waste and destruction ever do better than this recent shutdown and debt ceiling standoff?

We’ve spoken to Congressional staffers about what new plans are brewing.

• Legalize the slapping of federal workers (except elected officials).
• Refuse to fund the National Institutes of Health unless they devote all research efforts to solving male baldness and/or age-related impotence.
• To improve civics education, mandate that all pornography use recordings of speeches from the floor of Congress as a soundtrack.
• Eliminate funds for nuclear weapons security and loss prevention, since missiles are too heavy for anyone to carry anyway.
• Write all new laws on a special form of vellum made from the skin of puppies.
• Stick Your Finger in a Pencil Sharpener Day.
• The resurrection of Pin the Tail on the Intern Tuesdays.
• Pass a non-binding resolution celebrating the creation of the MeTV network.
• Add negligence as pediatric health plan under Obamacare.
• Debt reduction plan: declare war on anyone who says the United States owes them money.
• Pass a law saying all people must keep a World War II memorial open in their home 365 days a year.
• Shut down the SEC because Wall Street has learned all the lessons it needs to.
• Pass resolution retroactively stripping Kim Jong Un of 2012 Sexiest Man in the World honor. It will pass (retroactively) to two US legislators: Blake Farenthold, of Texas; and Harry Reid, of Nevada.
• Pass resolution to shut down The Onion for “exposing truth through satire.”
• Pass resolution declaring [insert your city’s name] America’s hometown.