Corinna: Their greed will be your salvation

Dear The Tank,

I live ten minutes away from my sickly parents. They are declining fast. My siblings assume that I’ll continue to take on all the responsibilities of caring for them. I’m the youngest in a family of eight. There’s a gap of nine years between me and my next-youngest sibling. I’m twenty-four years old, and cooking meals for them, cleaning, and doing the yard work (as best I can) is not how I expected to be spending my twenties. I am dreading the coming winter. I don’t even know how to start the snow blower, much less run it.

Two of my sisters and one brother all live within an hour of my parents. They used to visit often and also used to leave their kids with them so they could do things. Now that our parents need them, however, they can’t be bothered to stop by.

I’m single! I have a good job with room for advancement. I feel like I’m just getting started in life. I think my siblings should help. How do I get them to?

—Corinna

Dear Corinna,

You now know that your siblings are all selfish people. They show up when they think it will benefit them; otherwise, forget it.

This clarifies the task in front of you. You need to make use of their greed to motivate them. Here’s what you do:

Next time they manage to haul their heavy asses over that whole hour of highway to visit the people who gave them life and raised them, make sure you leave a few played-out scratch-off lotto tickets around the house. When they ask about this, say offhandedly, “Oh, Mama and Pops have started playing the lotto. They enjoy it. It’s cute.” Don’t bring it up again.

Next, you need to identify a gossipy neighbor of your parents, preferably someone who has lived there a long time and knows you and your siblings. Then you have to concoct a meeting with this gossip where you let drop that something extraordinary has happened to your family, and hint that it involves coming into a lot of money. One way to do this would be to watch for the gossip to walk by the house, then suddenly run out and kneel down in the front yard taking deep breaths. When they ask what’s wrong, act like you don’t want to say anything, then slowly dribble out that you just heard some amazing news, etc.

Once word gets back to your siblings, you’ll find they’re suddenly very interested in what’s going on with your folks.

You’ve made good use of their greed, but to bring this plan to full fruition, you now need to tap into their envy. Rent a new Porsche or other exotic car for a few days and park it in front of your parents’ house. Buy extravagant jewelry (as long as you can return it) and wear it when you see the gossip.

Spend even more time than usual at your parents’ house. When your siblings call, be sure you pick up and tell your dead-beat sibs that Mama and Pops aren’t feeling up to talking just then. Tell them that you’re taking care of everything, not to worry.

You’ve now ensured that they are going to start visiting frequently. Far from leaving you to deal with everything, you may find that they try to come between you and your folks. I fully expect that one or more of them will move in with your parents within two weeks to keep an eye on things and search the property for hidden cash.

When they finally get up the nerve to confront you and ask what happened to the money, simply explain that Mama and Pops put it away and don’t want to let on to anyone that they’re now filthy rich. But explain how your parents like to give little gifts, like Porsches, particularly in the evening after you finish cleaning up their dinner dishes or when you take them to their doctors’ appointments.

You’ll find you’re soon free to pursue your own life.

—The Tank

The Tank is inspired by Gracious Living Without Servants, the new novel by Wall Street Journal writer Brenda Cronin. Juliet, the heroine of that novel, makes all kinds of bad choices that end up making life way more interesting. Read the first chapter.