Your hell-raising dad’s hell-raising friends are coming over. You have homework on fractions and your state capitols to memorize. You’re in so much trouble with your teacher about your homework, your fighting, and some of the language you use on her tests and quizzes that you would really rather these idiots not be invading your house. The only good thing about these get-togethers—that your dad lets you sip off his beer—has lost its novelty, although not its allure. Also, one of these fuckers inevitably comes into your room, picks up your cheap-but-still-meaningful-to-you, Japanese-made, Gibson SG rip-off, and knocks it out of tune, a couple times even breaking a string. If you stop them, or even just say something, you get the shit kicked out of you after they leave.

Stoneslide Giftworks has the solution. Keep unsavory parental friends out of your home with the inflatable Fatherly Tomfoolery Fort®.

The Fatherly Tomfoolery Fort has 30-foot walls that shoot up around the house as soon as the airlock is released. The walls are made from materials developed by Russian industrialists in consultation with former KGB and Stasi operatives and will repulse a nail fired from a pneumatic gun. The Fort is also heat-proof and will not succumb to bonfires, M-80s, adult-male flatulence, road flares, motorcycle exhaust pipes, or the breath of scotch, bourbon, or rye drinkers.

The Fort deploys in just 15 seconds. Such quickness means even a last-minute “I’m in the neighborhood” visit can be thwarted.

When undeployed, the Fort takes up no more space than a garden hose.

For apartment dwellers, the Fatherly Tomfoolery Fort Mini® shoots a C-shaped wall up into the air right in front of your door. The wall rises no less than seven feet and no more than 16 feet, and will not damage aging plaster or popcorn ceilings.

The easy-to-use “Thank God They Gave Up and Left” latch safely deflates both the Mini and standard models, after which they can be rolled up and stored until needed again. With a self-recharging air canister, the Fort and Fort Mini last through thousands of deployments.

Finally, you may be thinking, “Well, this’ll be great the first time I use it, but my parents will just confiscate it after I deflate it.” Don’t worry. We have you covered. Our SmartFiber™ material can detect the age, via a person’s skin elasticity and mean hydration level, of someone touching the Fort or Fort Mini and automatically repulses anyone over the age of 21 with an electric shock. Anyone wearing gloves is shocked automatically, and the use of rubber gloves results in the release of sarin gas.

Now, your other concern probably is, even if my parents can’t confiscate the Fatherly Tomfoolery Fort, I’ll still get the crap beat out of me after the first use (and all subsequent uses). We’ve thought of that. Your safety, amid all that dysfunction, is our main concern here at Stoneslide Giftworks. So, we now direct you to another new Stoneslide gift assist: the Glory Shall Be Mine Fist®.

Face it, now that you’re a fourth-grader you have to take care of yourself. At just $49.95 (and only $29.95 for the Mini), Stoneslide’s Fatherly Tomfoolery Fort is a tool for modern living you can’t afford not to buy. You could probably get those kinds of funds together with just four or five riflings of your mother’s purse.

More Stoneslide Gift Assists

See It before They Do: The Loser-Diluter Handyscan
Back-to-School Gift Assist: Get What’s Yours