- Memorizing the conversations other people have about television programs, so you can later construct a decent narrative in your mind using the same names and locations.
- Walking into a J. Crew store and then turning around as soon as you smell the acrylic fabrics.
- Trailing your finger along the spines of the books in the Mystery section while thinking “The only mystery is why anyone reads this pap.”
- Buying brie and feeding it to your cat.
- Bringing a $50 bottle of wine to a dinner party and presenting it to the host; then after a short pause, saying, “Of course, that’s just for the kitchen!” and showing them the decent wine you brought.
- While in line at the grocer’s, converting the headlines on the tabloids into story lines for operas.
- Asking your maid’s opinion of one of the paintings on your walls, and later making fun of the cautiously fawning response with your spouse.
- Checking the score of the latest basketball game, so that you have something to say to the doorman.
- Watching the Super Bowl with the sound on mute, so that you can read from The Complete Poems of Anne Sexton between plays.
- Hiring assistants to make Facebook updates.
