One attends a huge conference like the annual Association of Writers and Writing Programs (AWP) with hope of gleaning powerful insight into the the craft and art of writing. Yes, there are people to meet and substances to ingest, but mostly the goal is to deepen one’s understanding and perhaps learn new ways of doing things, right?

This year, at the Minneapolis manifestation of AWP, we paid close attention to the speakers and wrote down all the wisdom we received.

We share with you now those speakers’ advice.

1. Make yourself stay in your chair until you’ve written 2,000 words. Put broken glass on the seat to make yourself write faster.
2. Instead of gazing at navel, try gazing at nipple or that place where your hip bone juts out for fresh ideas.
3. Never worry about the commercial possibilities of a project. Eating is overrated.
4. A problem with a piece of writing often clarifies itself if you go for a long walk. To a bar.
5. Finish the day’s writing when you still want to continue. Preferably after one or two sentences.
6. Protect the time and space in which you write. Use razor wire if needed.
7. Protect the time and space in which you write. Use internet-blocking software if needed.
8. Protect the time and space in which you write. Have office door locked from the outside if needed.
9. Listen to the criticisms of your trusted first readers. Then explain to them why they’re wrong.
10. Don’t remove thumb from butt. Instead, write one-handed to build up forearm endurance.
11. To overcome writer’s block, just… well… umm… forget it, you’re screwed.
12. Outlines are very helpful, especially if you like tearing up paper and throwing it away.
13. Write what you know, particularly if you know salacious secrets about famous people. Otherwise make up salacious secrets about famous people.
14. Always be an observer. Go out and meet people and study human nature. It gives you an excuse to not write.