Another ho-hum date; a date that makes you think perhaps your ex wasn’t so bad after all. Here you are feeling the same way about this person and the one you went to dinner with last week and the one you sat next to in the movies the week before as you did about your ex when you threw that piece of Arizona flagstone through her car windshield.

But what if the man or woman sitting across from you was the absolute person of your dreams: blonde, bosomy, blue-eyed, 29, with an irrepressible, adoring smile on her face the entire evening? Or ladies, what if the man you were sitting across from was wearing a clean, collared shirt, brushed his hair before the date, and talked about something other than himself, then actually waited for your answers?

Well, now you can go on that Xanadu dream date using Paper Bag 2.0.

Paper Bag 2.0 is a downloadable app for your phone or tablet. When you’re on a date with a physically or mentally unattractive subject, you simply call up the app and place it in front or to the side of the person. Paper Bag 2.0 uses facial recognition software to scan your date, notes anything pleasing about them, and banks it. Then it combines the appealing aspect of the subject—there has to be something, right?—with preferences you preload. Paper Bag 2.0 then creates an avatar of your date that you can talk to and interact with in lieu of the person in front of you.

You can talk directly to your date, to the Paper Bag 2.0 avatar, or both, depending on how long you can stand to look directly into the eyes of the person sitting across from you. When your date answers you or says something independently, voice recognition software picks up your date’s utterance and instantaneously moves the lips of the avatar to mimic the articulations of your date. If it’s your date’s voice you can’t stand, you can change the pitch, timbre, and resonance.

Paper Bag 2.0 has something for everyone!

Since most men are blind to non-verbal communication, men are sure to like its activity-tracking capabilities. Paper Bag 2.0 monitors bpm and blood pressure to give information on how a date is responding and reacting to your knock-knock jokes, unnecessary chest and bicep flexing, and stale sexual innuendo when ordering dessert. Paper Bag 2.0 automatically detects when your date falls asleep so you can course-correct.

Women will thrill over Paper Bag 2.0’s artificial intelligence capabilities to morph men’s answers into appropriate and sensitive responses.

Early testing shows that Paper Bag 2.0 raises the subjective experience of dating by 53% for the average user. When both participants in a date are using the app, meaning they don’t even have to look at each other through the whole evening, the experience improves by 182%!

While Paper Bag 2.0. is great for the dating scene, it’s a powerful marital aid, too. All relationships, even the fairy tale kind, get stale. You’re sitting at the dinner table. The kids are at gymnastics and lacrosse. There’s no one to model behavior for with a well-balanced meal, so you’ve cobbled together a dinner of Fiber One, pre-sliced and packaged apples, and microwaved leftovers from Tuesday. He’s complaining about the budget cuts his department was just handed. She’s had it with her co-workers stealing her Stouffers stuffed green peppers from the lunchroom freezer. Each of you puts Paper Bag 2.0 on the table, and the conversation starts to twinkle. He’s talking to a redhead about how sexy vaping makes her look. She’s staring at a young, shirtless John Stamos. Suddenly you cannot control the raw energy between you, and you take each other on the mahogany sideboard.

Note: Due to privacy concerns that led to the abrupt failure of Google Glass, Paper Bag 2.0 requires permission from your subject to be used in conjunction with him or her. Permission is granted in the form of a sustained, three-second wink picked up by eye-scan software. Subject must also give a voice sample. Full disclosure and use information can be found online @ stoneworksgifts.com/usermanuals/paperbag.