Many Americans consider Donald Trump a blowhard with no appreciation of fine thought or subtle expression. What few people know is that while Trump was in college he composed and published many, many poems.
Our own Sylvester Stonesman has spent the last month in a deep investigation of the little-known, lyrical Trump. He scanned every student publication from the years Trump spent at Fordham University and the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. His research led him to interview Trump paramours and conduct forensic tests on bathroom stalls in dozens of bars in the Bronx and Philadelphia that were known Trump haunts.
What Sylvester uncovered casts a new light on the Republican front-runner.
Here are the titles of some of the young Trump’s previously lost works.
“Your Eyes Are as Beautiful as a Zoning Variance”
“My Father Will Ruin Him”
“I Am Not Petulant”
“It’s Not My Fault Your Father Can’t Scam the System”
“Sucking Up to Me Is Always Your Best Move”
“Cuddy Totally F*cked Those Guys Up!”
“You’re Lucky Kicking Your Ass Could Stain My Shirt”
“Only Morons Get Drafted”
“I’m Not a Coward. You’re a Coward.”
“That Is Not How You Make a Manhattan”
“Lapis Lazuli Dance”
“My Tie Is Worth More than That”
“My Grandeur”
“I Am Not Childish”
“I Didn’t Know She Was One of Those Bra Burners”
“Nineteen Ways of Looking at Your Ta-Tas”
“Sluts Like You Have No Credibility”
“None Dare Call It Sleazin’”
“I Ask Myself Which I Love More: Your Eyes or Your Whatever?”
“If the Wind Could Be Taught to Sing, It Would Sing TRUMP”
“A Real Estate Venture in Brooklyn”
“Oh, Pen, Why Art Thou Not Signing a Deal Right Now?”
“Everybody Loves Me (Morons Don’t Count as People)”
“Watch Yourself! You’ve Never Known Pain Like My Baleful Stare”
“Let Me Not to the Marriage of One Woman Be Held”
“Self-Respect Ain’t Good Enough for Me”
“For the Last Time, I Dumped Her”
“Inestimable Net Worth: An Ode”
“Intimations of Immense Wealth”
“How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Profits”
“Because I Could Not Stop for SEC Regulation”
“The Little People Love Me”
“TRUMP! TRUMP!!!”
