Republicans in the US House of Representatives endured a day of chaos after the withdrawal of apparent front–runner Kevin McCarthy (R-California) from the competition to be Speaker of the House. But as of this morning, a new, nearly unanimous consensus choice had emerged: Vladimir Putin. Said Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), “We saw how he backs his allies no matter how insane or bloodthirsty they might be. He’s just the guy to lead this caucus.” Republicans face some procedural challenges in making Putin, who is not only not a member of the House but also currently leads another country, speaker. But the plan taking shape involves having Putin invade Guam. “He’s already got ships in Syria,” points out Rep. Darrell Issa (R-California). As a US territory, Guam has a non-voting representative in the House, and Putin could name himself to that seat, then be elected to the leadership position. “And if Obama tries to stop Putin’s invasion or defend the so-called American citizens in Guam, everyone will see how partisan he is. He’ll do anything to divide this nation,” says Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin).