High-ranking officials in the United Nations have become despondent at their inability to quell the conflict in Syria or to keep tensions between the US and Russia from escalating. They are preparing to announce a bold new initiative to turn things around. A new Office of Moral Property and Distribution will be created to auction off the moral high ground in any given dispute to the highest bidder. Once this possession of right is established, it will be much easier for the international body to take action and be sure it is on the side of justice. The new approach is expected to reduce by 90% the time spent on deliberations in the General Assembly and Security Council. The auctions are based on the highly successful sales of wireless spectrum and other public goods in recent years. “We’ve long known that the UN has complete ownership of moral high ground in international affairs,” said Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. “We just didn’t know how to turn that into any form of useful action. Now there’s a way.” The World Trade Organization and other regulatory bodies are looking into applying a similar approach to the commercial sphere and allowing companies to buy moral high ground on issues like employee rights, sustainability, and customer privacy. In other auction news, members of the US House of Representatives are considering a reverse auction for the role of Speaker of the House, in which members will have to bid what they’re willing to pay to avoid having to take on the leadership role. The lowest bid will be automatically elected.