Vice President Joseph Biden today said that he cannot announce his decision about whether to run for president because once he makes that decision public, “no one will ever, ever care as much about anything I decide in the future.” However, in a nod to the general sentiment that he’s being “kind of a d-bag” for dragging this out, Biden said he will make his decision known “soon.” Biden and top aides say that in coming days, or maybe weeks, he will place a special invitation on a piece of foil inside a candy bar sold somewhere in the US. The person who finds this invitation will visit the Vice Presidential Mansion, where Biden will whisper his final decision into the lucky winner’s ear. Biden said a relative of his is a “huge” Johnny Depp fan, and Depp’s portrayal of chocolate bar maker Willy Wonka is one of her favorite performances. “I think adults and children who can’t vote will be equally engaged by my innovative method of announcing,” Biden said. “I’m a pretty brilliant guy, and this is another example of my brilliance. I’m a heck of a guy, I tell you, a heck of a guy.” News analysts proclaimed that Biden must be running based on this attention-getting maneuver. Other analysts said it’s clear he is not running, since the maneuver would only play up his negatives. All the analysts started buying more chocolate.