The Republican Governors Association and the National Rifle Association have announced a joint program to aid those suffering in the wake of mass shootings. Recognizing that Second Amendment enthusiasts are often troubled by a pinch of doubt about their convictions in such challenging times, the two conservative organizations will fund a crack response squad to bring comfort and ideological reinforcement to people all over the country. “Left untreated, that little seed of doubt can grow and mutate into anger, self-loathing, or even a temptation to turn off Fox News,” explained Wayne LaPierre, the head of the NRA. The response squads will be equipped with blankets, warm tea, and statistics about the importance of guns to the American way of life. “We must care for all victims of these terrible events,” said LaPierre.