Aides to Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina have announced that gummy bears, juice boxes, and chocolate bunnies will be added to their campaign stop spreads, in addition to the milk, cookies, and candy bars they already offer. Some observers had criticized Fiorina for talking about abortion in front of preschoolers, but her press secretary, Anna Esptein, said Fiorina loves kids. “Carly delights in telling them stories, shaping their little minds, and guiding them toward the kind of future that would be viewed as positive by any number of Republican pollsters.” Said Amy Noone Frederick, Fiorina’s senior advisor for strategy and outreach, “Carly has a special brand of narrow–mindedness and creepy instincts that the other candidates just can’t touch. Not even Cruz or the what’s–his–name. She’s great for the kind of America right–thinking Americans want.” It’s now being reported that the next step for the past chief grim reaper of the company formerly known as Hewlett–Packard is to teach children the perils of crime by showing them clips of executions set to the theme from the Barney & Friends TV show.