The Republican presidential candidates banded together to greet the five Americans recently freed from Iranian prisons in a diplomatic coup by the Obama administration. Rand Paul explained to the former hostages that they were entering a fascist hellhole where they would have manacles of health care forced on them. Marco Rubio handed each a gun and informed them they’d need it to keep themselves safe from ISIS. Donald Trump taught them all how to duck and cover when they saw Valdimir Putin flying overhead, blotting out the sun with his immense wings. Most important, he said, was to never look Putin in the eye.