The armed group occupying the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in Oregon has had to radically rethink its approach in light of recent events. They released the following statement today: “It’s more clear than ever that the US government has no legitimacy. We are the only people left with the common sense and the moral authority to interpret the Constitution and issue laws to enhance the commonweal. As such, we immediately decree the following: the Federal Reserve’s discount rate shall be lowered by one quarter point, which should help restore liquidity to equity markets; the term of the Export–Import Bank will be extended for 12 years, relieving American business of a source of uncertainty; a non-partisan commission shall be appointed to review the process for drawing congressional districts and make recommendations for creating a more representative and equitable representation of voters’ interests. Our common sense government–in–exile will release further provisions in the days to come.” In other news, a county in Indiana will now require public school teachers to carry pepper spray and Tasers, while teachers in private schools will continue to be issued Glock 17s.