Abstinence–only advocate Bristol Palin announced that the father of her baby is Jesus. “Jesus fills me with his divine love all the time. He is my new son’s daddy,” Palin said. The daughter of a disgraced one–time vice presidential hopeful said the child was conceived on a particularly heavenly night of Christian passion. “It was similar to The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa, whose story was depicted visually by the artist Bernini,” Palin said. People have questioned whether Palin is educated enough to know of that sculpture, or if she was coached. Her mother, Sarah Palin, said, “Jesus would never ask for a handout, unlike that loser who claims to have bedded her on the night in question.” Bristol is expected to pray all week for Jesus’ DNA to appear in an Alaska clinic’s petri dish.