The ex–wife of Russian president Vladimir Putin has changed her surname to Trump. Lyudmila Trump, as she is now known, is reportedly living on Manhattan’s upper east side with a housekeeper, a trainer, and a juicing expert. Putin and his former wife were divorced in 2013 after 30 years of marriage. Lyudmila Trump said, “Obviously Mr. Trump isn’t the stud my former mate is, but he is an asshole, and there’s a lot to be said for being an asshole.” Donald Trump was not made available for comment, but his spokeswoman, Katrina Pierson, said, “Old lady better get in line if she wants to spend time with my boss.” Carly Fiorina called the news “an obvious ploy to distract voters from my proposal to have all American children under age 11 live in or near cottages deep inside large forests.” Ted Cruz complained, saying he himself is “a much bigger asshole than that New York–values scumbag.”