Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that that legislative body will reserve its right to do nothing if the next president elected by the people of the United States is a Democrat. The Republican from Kentucky said, “It will be quite clear that America will have entered a state of la–la land if either Sanders or that Wellesley bitch garners the most votes.” McConnell said that the Republican Senate—provided they maintain their majority—would “rather destroy America than let it fall prey to giving the middle class a fair shot at having a decent financial life. Our great nation deserves a Senate pure in its motives.” Business magnate Carl Icahn echoed McConnell’s sentiments, saying, “Middle class people and poor people had better learn to shut up and do the right thing for rich people, the true Americans.” In science news, researchers at McGill University in Montreal have discovered that Justin Bieber is, in terms of species, an actual human.