In sports news, the Boston Red Sox denied rumors that the team has issued 3rd baseman Pablo Sandoval a wheelbarrow to hold his gut while he bats, “runs” the bases, and fields his position. “It’s just not true,” said general manager Mike Hazen. “The device is more like a steel–belted fanny pack, but the size of a child’s wading pool.” Team owner John Henry said that in a bold move Sandoval, who is reputed to have a bad work ethic and poor self–control, has hired TV cooking star Gordon Ramsay to be his personal chef. “Pablo hates being criticized, and he thinks the constant tear–shedding that would no doubt occur under incessant Ramsey tongue–lashings will melt the weight away.” The team’s strength and conditioning coach, Michael Boyle, said the paunchy “Panda” is considering doing “some bench presses and a few curls every week.” Sandoval declined to comment, but the gut said it’s never felt better.