Comcast has announced that starting in March they will only mistreat customers six days a week. CEO Brian L Roberts said, “We will only f*ck people over Tuesday through Sunday. Each Monday, we will treat customers with respect. As of March 1, Mondays will instead be used to disrespect and inflict emotional injury upon our employees.” Comcast is notorious for what most people say is horrible customer service, and is often called “the most hated company in America.” Comcast customer Zeke Batterzan of Combined Locks, Wisconsin, said he welcomes the change. “In the past if I needed a service call, I kept an oversized seven pound Maglite in hand in case whatever asshole tech they sent started mouthing off. It’s nice to know that now I have a one in seven chance not to need it.” In other news, Yahoo announced that all of its laid–off employees will receive hoverboards and twelve–week memberships to the Enema of the Month club.