Chrysler announced they’re about to begin designing their newest model of sedan, The Milwaukeean. The company said they hope to repeat the success of The New Yorker model in the ’70s and ’80s. Fiat Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne said The Milwaukeean will have “loads” of new features, including beverage holders large enough to accommodate 750 milliliter and 1.75 liter bottles, stainless steel buckets that can hold either ice and Champagne or vomit, as needed, and a new form of rack and pinion steering that will naturally compel the car to weave from side to side if the driver happens to be sober. Car and Driver called the sedan’s design “a bold step forward for Marchionne and all of Chrysler.” Scientists also have good things to say about The Milwaukeean. “This isn’t only automotive innovation, this is also societal innovation. Light drinkers, hard drinkers, functional alcoholics, and full-blown raging alcoholics will all benefit from this vehicle,” said Rutgers University’s world-renowned alcohol researcher, Nina Menasha. The Milwaukeean is expected to hit the streets (and more than a few telephone poles) in October 2019. In sporting news, a Houston Rockets fan looked at Dwight Howard yesterday and didn’t feel the need to throw up.