Two open-carry advocates shot each other to death in Texas yesterday. Witnesses said the men were arguing over who hated the city of Austin more. One of the men, 33 year old Jasper Slax, of Dallas, urinated on the Austin parking lot the men were standing in in order to prove he hated Austin more. The other man, witnesses said, then lowered his pants, squatted, and defecated in order to show that his hatred was greater than Slax’. The incident, which took place outside a Dairy Queen, escalated further when Slax resumed urinating, but this time on the other man, saying, “I hate Austin so much I’m pissing on the wuss who didn’t have the guts to take an actual man-sized dump on the asphalt.” That man, fifty year old Cletus Davidson, of New Braunfels, Texas, then punched Slax, went inside, and quickly ate two Dairy Queen Super Summer Burritos, and then went back outside. Witnesses said that Davidson punched himself in the stomach until he vomited on Slax. Then the two men exchanged the fatal gunfire. No one else was injured, but a passing school bus did get a flat tire from one of the stray rounds. In other news, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker said he loves black people, and added that “some of my closest friends are black. I can even introduce you to him.”