The National Football League announced that Commissioner Roger Goodell “is not a dickhead.” NFL Vice President Troy Vincent told reporters, “My boss is a prince of a man. This league’s real butthole plays quarterback for the Patriots. Tom Brady was a cheater at Serra [High School, in San Mateo, California], he was a cheater at Michigan, and now he’s the King Cheater of Foxboro [Massachusetts].” Vincent also said, “Roger Goodell is such a fine human being that he makes Mother Teresa look like a Satanist and a child molester.” In other sports news, NBA star LeBron James has commissioned a sculpture of Cleveland native Halle Berry that will be sited outside City Hall, as a gift to the town’s people.