The campaign of Donald J. Trump has announced that seating at his rallies will henceforth be organized by weight class. “It’s gotta be fair,” said Trump. “You’ve got these big, dangerous guys swinging away. I don’t condone violence at all, but if some protester interrupts, well, there need to be consequences.” Guards at each arena will screen people as they arrive and separate attendees based on their apparent size and fighting potential. Those suspected of being Bernie thugs will still be able to enter the arena but will be pre-cuffed, pinning their arms behind their backs. “The way I see it, they still have free speech, they just won’t have any breath to speak with,” said Trump. In related news, Mike Tyson requested an ear-biting section.