Political analysts say we should not be surprised by the strange physical changes that Ted Cruz is undergoing as he becomes the Anti-Trump. They say we can expect his hair to become even darker and to repel products such as mousse and rainwater. His skin will become pitted and prematurely aged. His thumb will fuse to the side of his hand, making it impossible for him to make a thumbs-up gesture. His penis will shrink. “These are all ways for him to differentiate himself from The Donald,” explains Karl Rove. In other news, Marco Rubio is said to be searching southern Florida for a legendary spring that makes anyone who drinks from it anti-establishment.