Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that if elected, he will do everything in his power to eliminate public libraries. “They’re useless, and they are way too expensive. This great country can’t afford to throw any more money away on reading.” Trump said he would start with the Library of Congress. He would have the Senate and House eliminate the charter that created the Library, sell off all its collections, and then “rent out the building, maybe for wedding receptions, proms, home and garden shows, stuff like that.” At the same time, Trump said, he would urge governors and legislators in all 50 states and all US territories and protectorates to eliminate their libraries, too, and mayors and councils of all cities, towns, and burgs. “Think of all the efficiencies we could achieve,” he said. American Library Association president Sari Feldman said, “This is a terrible idea. A move like this would cripple America, maybe permanently.” When asked about her comment, Trump said, “Sari Feldman is a bimbo. I wouldn’t let her babysit my pet tarantula (if I had a pet tarantula, which I don’t, but if I did, I wouldn’t let that Feldman bitch near it; total bitch, that woman).” In other news, the University of Phoenix announced that violent assaults on its campus are down 100%.