Exit polls from the Super Tuesday primary contests revealed the extreme state of partisanship in America. Even though both Republican and Democratic candidates are locked in brutal intra-party disputes, their supporters overwhelmingly say they will back their party’s eventual nominee, even if it’s the jackass sell–out they’re voting against today. More than 98% of voters also said they’d rather submerge their genitals in ice water than vote for a member of the other party; 67% would choose to have a finger cut off; 49% would go ahead with major thoracic surgery rather than cross party lines. At the same time, 64% of voters said they wouldn’t vote at all if their polling station were moved 5 miles further away, if the line were more than 10 minutes, or if it were raining and didn’t look like it was about to let up. In related news, GoPro, the maker of body cameras used by extreme sports athletes, is sponsoring Marco Rubio. According to GoPro founder Nick Woodman, “We’re going to capture every last desperate pander and lunge to the right. It will be the kind of pure–adrenaline viewing our brand is known for. And all our gear is already water-resistant, so his sweating won’t be a problem.”