The macaroni salad currently serving as president of the University of Iowa has asked the state’s board of regents to declare a “state of truthfulness emergency.” The salad said, “Many professors say things like ‘true democracy can’t exist without a press that’s unafraid of the government and corporations.’ Nonsense!” Regent Larry McKibben agreed: “An unencumbered, fear-free media is the last thing this great state and this great nation need. God help us if reporters started actually digging.” The macaroni salad is asking that education money be shifted from professors’ salaries to media ads explaining that views that the university administration doesn’t like are disgusting and likely criminal. In art news, private papers found in a New York City attic reveal that Mark Rothko and Andy Warhol were in fact quite chummy, away from public view.