In a rare sign of unity, every remaining Republican candidate for the presidency has said if elected he will begin charging US citizens to get in touch with their senators, congressmen, and congresswomen. Senator Ted Cruz said, “It’s the right thing to do. Senators like myself and members of the House are very busy. We can’t bother with everyday people. They waste our time.” Under the proposal, which was put forth by Florida’s Marco Rubio, citizens will have to pay $1 to write to elected federal officials, and $4 to phone them. If a written message is more than 25 words long—including salutation and closing—the price jumps to $3, and rises another $2 with each 25-word increase in length. Constituents who wish to meet with representatives will have to pay $100 for 2 minutes of face time. Front-runner Donald Trump said, “This is what America needs, a government not burdened by the whining and crying of dipshit losers too stupid to be rich.” In other news, it appears that Michigan governor Rick Snyder didn’t endanger the lives, health, or brain function of any children yesterday.