Donald Trump announced that he is going to sue every registered Republican in the state of New York who doesn’t vote for him in the upcoming primary. “Those motherfuckers won’t know what hit ’em,” he said at a rally outside the fencing of a Greenwich, Connecticut, polo club. “I’m going to make New Yorkers great again if I have to kill every last one of them.” Fellow Republican vote-grubber Senator Ted Cruz said Trump is desperate. “He knows I’ll kick his ass. Hell, even my former college roommate knows I could stomp him. I’m a real badass. Just ask the ladies.” Lagging Republican candidate John Kasich called Trump and Cruz “a couple of knobs. Real knobs. I might have to vote for Kerry in the general.” Trump’s defenders support his plan to sue people who don’t vote for him. Utica, New York, resident 56-year-old Myra Kollapser, who has been on disability since 2010 after falling through a skylight at her daughter’s wedding reception, said Trump has “every right to sue these losers who think he wouldn’t be a awesome president. This is America.” In other news, no Republican elected officials sexually assaulted anyone yesterday, according to an absence of reports.