Industrialists Charles and David Koch have discovered that somehow, as they age, their urine possesses a compound that turns ordinary water into gasoline. Apparently the urine, if it isn’t processed by a waste treatment plant, changes the chemical makeup of water within three minutes. The Kochs secured drilling rights in rural areas of roughly 25 states. Now they are peeing in pipes that lead down to aquifers, and pumping up the resultant gasoline. David Koch said, “The only real complication we face is how to keep hydrated enough to maintain a good flow.” In other people’s opinion, however, the complications are many, and dire. Nicole Blombley, president of the group Americans Who Don’t Want to Screw the Middle Class and Poor, said the Koch brothers are “behaving despicably. They get legislation snuck through to acquire these rights, and they don’t care who they hurt. On top of that, how disgusting is it to produce urine that can create gasoline?” The Kochs dismiss the argument. “This isn’t about people’s so-called ‘right’ to clean drinking water, this is about wealth creation and wealth maintenance.” A representative said they are now considering buying the Great Lakes, and the mouth of the Mississippi River. In other news, Iowa Republican Joni Ernst said that democracy is an “affront to all God’s people.”