In an uncommon show of unity, all 3 remaining Republican presidential candidates have pledged that if elected they will start a government-funded program to disburse monies to Fortune 500 CEOs who lose their jobs. Senator Ted Cruz said, “We have ousted CEOs walking around wondering how to keep up vacation homes, how to pay for boarding schools, how to provide massages for their dogs and horses, and that’s just wrong.” Rival Donald Trump said the program, which will provide up to $3.5 million a month for 2 years to jobless CEOs, is a great use for taxpayer money. “This is America. We need to take care of rich people who lose their way.” Ohio governor John Kasich said the program will be paid for with a nationwide “consumption tax of 2%.” The candidates said there will be exemptions for purchases of commercial property, for automobiles that cost over $90,000, watercraft costing more than $500,000, and homes that cost more than $750,000 (except in the San Francisco Bay Area, where the exemption will kick in at $5 million). In a joint statement, the candidates said the program will benefit all Americans because a “calm ruling class is good for everybody.” In other news, advisers to Wisconsin governor Scott Walker announced their finding that education is a “complete disaster for people’s morals.”