Maine’s governor, Paul Le Page, ate three burritos and two bowls of lobster bisque last night, and this morning visited the office of the state’s Senate Minority Leader, Democrat Justin Alfond. Upon arrival, Le Page defecated in his pants, and then rubbed his soupy backside on Alfond’s wall, a sofa, a desk chair, and three 18th Century arm chairs that once belonged to George and Martha Washington. Witnesses said Le Page then loosened his trousers and reached behind himself, “like a monkey at a zoo who’s going to throw feces at you,” according to one of Alfond’s aides. She said she and all the other aides then exited through a side door. “It was disgusting,” she said. “But I suddenly understood in a flash the governor’s whole political philosophy. Some of us were talking about it later, and we’re grateful he did this.” No estimates have been given yet for how much Maine’s taxpayers will have to pay for the cleanup. In other news, last week Stephen King wrote 105 successive paragraphs that were touching and sweet, with not a single scary or horrific incident in them.